Homeopathy and Gay Sex | Stand-up Comedy | That Gurjot

Homeopathy and Gay Sex | Stand-up Comedy | That Gurjot


Hey Ben, number one, it’s Gurjot. Number two, I thought there was no nudity
allowed. Then why is Christos allowed to walk around
like that? (he’s bald) Hello guys, nice to see you guys again. Forewarning: I am not too happy with my set
tonight. I don’t think it’s funny enough. Honestly, I think I’ll bomb it. Allahuakbar. Damn it, that didn’t work either. Well I guess there is more to bombings than
just the language and appearance, eh? Anyway I quit Facebook a couple of months
ago, alright. It was a relationship that had run its course. 8 years is a really long time. Modern-day relationships don’t
last anywhere close to that long. The longest my relationship ever lasted
was 6 years. Yeah. Didn’t expect to hear that, did you? What can I say, I am just a gentleman. Also I didn’t quite know I was allowed to
breakup until like I was 20. I thought I just had to deal with it
like how my dad did. You’re laughing but my dad actually got the
easy way out. 20 years into his marriage he got hit by a
truck and has been in coma since. I wish I could say I was kidding
but it’s the truth. Anyway now that I quit Facebook I was no longer
spending my time furiously masturbating at a stranger in a bikini – I spend my time thinking
about things of greater consequence to mankind. Homeopathy and gay sex. Not necessarily related. Homeopathy – you guys know about
homeopathy, right? It’s a branch of modern medical science,
kind of like how Britain is a branch of the EU, depends on who you ask and what you believe in. So here’s how homeopathy works: a scrubby
old guy, who clearly couldn’t do anything better with his life, decides to dress up
and sell white sugary powder in a dime bag to little kids and tells them that it will
make them feel really good. Tell me how that is any different from a pedophile. At least, the pedophiles have the decency
to do it in the confession room. I made one of these Catholic pedophilia jokes
once and this American guy came up to me later and said “Hey not all God-fearing Christians are
like that alright. You can’t tag all of us in for what a handful
of us did.” And I said really? Because that’s exactly what the Muslims have
been trying to tell you since 9/11. So after meeting this guy I really wanted
to learn more about Christianity. And since I work as a tutor at the department
of religious studies at the University of Zurich, I googled it. The first result on Google was a marvellous
website called Christianity dotcom. Wonderful place. Their motto – “Spreading
the word and Protecting the faith” from whom? Islamic terrorism? Those guys are not trying to steal your faith
– they are trying to eliminate it. That’s a different thing. But, on that website, in bold, large letters
was the header – “Popular Topics” And I thought that’s a good place to start. 1. Suffering and Evil 2. Satan 3. Rapture/End of times and 4. What I believe is the reason for the existence
of the previous three – LGBT. And I am not kidding you could open Christianity dotcom right now, it’s the truth. And here’s my opinion about the LGBTQ community. We need to stop calling them the LGBTQ community. I read a research by the National Bureau of Economic
Research in the United States that found out that 20% of US citizens is homosexual. 20 percent. That’s 1 in 5 people. I am pretty sure 2 in 5 people are blithering idiots but we don’t call them the idiot community, do we? Instead we call them politicians or stand-up
comedians. Talking about politicians reminds me… Toilet paper. Why do you guys still use toilet paper! There is no reasonable explanation why a man
would prefer paper over water. Imagine you fall into a pit full of shit.
You’ve got shit all over you. Would you prefer a bucket of water
or a transcript of Donald Trump’s speeches? That’s pretty much toilet paper anyway. There’s a Wikipedia article called “Toilets in Japan”. Read that and you’ll find out what you’ve
been missing all your life. Imagine a long cylindrical appendage
shooting high speed liquid straight up the place where the sun don’t shine. Feels good, doesn’t it? No? I guess we Indians are just used to taking
it in the ass. And there is nothing homosexual about it. Because if it were, there wouldn’t be 1.3 billion of us. Now before I go, it was the Indian independence
day last week And no, our independence day wasn’t some
put a cross in a box in a ballot kinda pomp show. We had to fucking fight for it – like with
guns, swords and pressure cookers. Nothing scares a white man more than the
sound of an Indian pressure cooker. And I don’t know why. Because you guys came up with the steam engine and
went so far as the atomic bomb, yet you shit your pants at the sound of a pressure cooker
like an Indian at the immigration check. That’s all I’ve got for tonight. Thank you so much. You guys were great.

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