Setting Boundaries, Dealing with Guilt, Relationships & more – Coaching with Cheryl Richardson

Setting Boundaries, Dealing with Guilt, Relationships & more – Coaching with Cheryl Richardson

Hi, i’m Cheryl Richardson and I’m here for our weekly Facebook live coaching session It’s a beautiful day here in the
Northeast. It’s gorgeous and I just spent the last three hours working out in
the garden, which is why I look a little disheveled, but it was so much fun. I’m
getting the deck garden ready and it’s my favorite time of year. Hey Poupie, come say hi. Can you come say hi? It’s always my
favorite time of year. – Hi James – to get the deck garden
planned and I have this wonderful woman named Roberta Horsman I’m going to put her name in the post after this session.
She’s an herbalist and a master plant lover and gardener and every year
I have Roberta come and she’s been teaching me year after year about plants
and growing plants and what’s native to the area and how to put things together
and I’ve learned a lot from her and I love every year going out and
and seeing, just learning about the different types of plants that are
coming out and how to make things grow and how to deal with mistakes and how to
move things around and it’s a big art project on the deck. And you know
what I’m going to do once everything gets planted? So I plant flowers and food
and once everything gets planted and it starts to look a little lush, right now
it’s a bit sparse, but once it starts to look a little lush, I’ll take you on a
tour of my deck garden one of these weeks before we start doing the coaching.
How’s that? It’ll be fun. So all right, let me just say hi to a few people and then
we’ll get started. If you have a question you can get it ready. Hi to James and
Theresa. You guys are always here. David from Luxembourg. Hi David and Anya and
Andrea and Anna. Hi Anna and Natalie and Jessica. Hi Jessica and Khakha? is that
right? Susie and Michelle and Linnell. Hi Cindy
and Kandouz. Is this Moroccan? Does this look Moroccan, Kandouz from Morocco. Carmen, David, Theresa, Colette. Hi Cheryl my
namesake. Anyway, hi to everybody. I’m so glad you’re here. I always appreciate
that you join me and this is an opportunity for me to just support
you in any way I can. Hey Carly from Perth, Australia and
Joanne from Toronto. Some of my, I always say some of my favorite places because
so many of the places I go to, I have such a great time teaching and meeting people
that they end up just feeling like great places. I’ve been to Toronto a lot and I
love Toronto. It’s a very quick flight from here. Australia, on the other hand, is
a very long flight out. But boy, I wish it were closer because if it were closer
I’d be there two or three times a year. I love the people, they were just great and
hi Kimberly, thank you. You started me on my path many years ago when I first
heard you speak about the Art of Extreme Self-Care. Oh well I’m glad
you’re still with me, thank you. And hi Alice from Prince Edward Island. I’ve not
been there yet but I really want to get there. I think I can drive all the way up
there and Mare from Cape Cod, hey from Cape Cod. So during this session you
have a chance to post questions that you’d like me to answer or to support
you with in some way. It’s always a little tricky of course because I don’t
know the specifics so it’s kind of a combination of trying to keep it brief
and yet giving me enough details that I’m able to really help you. And if you
haven’t, so you can start to post your questions and I’ll begin looking for
them in just a little bit. Let’s see, so I’ll go back through and in the meantime
I don’t know if you read my, let’s see if I have it here. I don’t know if you read my
blog this week about the magic mala. I am going to do a Facebook live separate
video on that. I’ll probably do it toward the end of this week. It’s based
on Bob Olson’s book, The Magic Mala, which is a novel, it’s a great story
and what’s great also about it is it’s a teaching story. You learn about the power
of manifestation and intention and focusing on the things you know, sort of
retraining the brain to focus on the things that we want to experience more
of in our lives. And it’s told through this very simple and wise story about a
couple who are down on their luck and end up turning their lives around. So
yeah if you’re not seeing the video, April, chances are it’s something to do
with your computer. Every now and then that will happen. If you’re seeing, if
you’re seeing the video, just give us a thumbs up or hearts, just press one of
those so we’ll know and sometimes people will say that they are not able to see
the video. And it’s usually related somehow there could be a couple of
things. By the way it could be that you haven’t updated your Facebook app. I
found that every week now before I do a Facebook live I go right to the app. Thank
you for all the hearts and thumbs up so a lot of people are seeing this. I go
right to the app store and I update the Facebook app before I do a live and
there’s always an update there and I find that if you update the app, April,
you might want to try it. Although you’re not hearing me either.
You might want to just log out, update the app and then log back in. I
find that that’s made a big difference in terms of even my connection so you
might want to do that. Anyway, The Magic Mala is a great book and it will
inspire you to get yourself a set. Yes, here’s, I always talk about mala beads
and I finally have them with me this week. This is a blue lapis, this was made
by a wonderful woman locally. Jane is her name and I wish she had a website
because if she did, I would give it to you. But she doesn’t. She just, you
know these take a while to string but can you see the beautiful little angel
that she put on these with little beads? There we go. Look at that. Isn’t it great?
Blue lapis lazuli beads, gorgeous beads and these are the ones, sometimes I take
a walk with these and I just go, it has 108 beads, and I just go
one by one and I named something I’m grateful for and it could even just be
I’m grateful for the red cardinal I just saw. I’m grateful for all the green
that’s starting to sprout around here. I’m grateful for the fact that the
animals now have so much more to eat. I’m grateful for everybody in this
neighborhood who doesn’t put chemicals on their lawn. I just, you know, I’m
grateful for the trees that come back every year. I’m grateful for, you know, the
plants that made it through the winter. I’m grateful for this natural smelling,
beautiful smelling flower even when I don’t know what it is or I’m grateful
for that driver who just slowed down going by me. It’s just about cultivating
a state of gratitude. Now I know it sounds kind of, I don’t know, sweet and
maybe airy-fairy to some people although more and more
people are getting getting on board. But here’s the thing, when we start to focus
our mind on the things we feel grateful for, we’re creating new neural pathways
in the brain and the old pathways that no longer serve us start to weaken. So I
mean, our brains, our brain, you know, the plasticity
of the brain means that we do not have, we don’t have to lose brain
function as we get older. We can gain brain functions every stage of life. We
can rewrite old neural programming by having these kinds of practices that
keep us focused on, the things that are important to us that we would like more of
in our lives, and gratitude is a great way to do that. Every night I always say
on Instagram and Twitter, I post five things I’m grateful for. I’ve been doing
that now for a couple of years and then I invite other people to
post and I love how I get to read what other people are grateful for and it
automatically makes me think about the things that I’m going to, the additional
things I’m grateful for. And guess what’s happening the whole time you’re thinking
about these things? You’re creating new grooves in the brain and those grooves
create a healthy brain, they create new neural connections. The brain grows stronger more resilient. We start to draw to us better
experiences, more abundance, all of these sorts of things. So that’s why I practice
and that’s why I love The Magic Mala. You can get it on Amazon, get
yourself a set of mala beads. You’re going to want to by the time you finish
reading the book. You’re totally going to want to do that when you see what
happens to this couple. And by the way it’s kind of based on a true story,
although Bob doesn’t say that. I learned the gratitude practice from Bob as a
matter of fact. So anyway mala beads. Okay where are we here? Time for questions.
Yes, all right, let me take a sip of my green smoothie which is almost done, the
mint one with avocado and all kinds of good stuff. So I’m going to scroll
back here and I’m going to start looking at, going through some of your questions
and seeing what I can, see what I can answer that will support all of you, as many of you as possible. So okay Hi Donna. I’m so glad you’re here.
Donna, I have to call you and I’m going to try and call you this afternoon
actually. And James, you have a deck garden first time this year, James.
Awesome. Send me a picture, I’d love to see like. Let it get going and then show
me what you’ve got. That’s great. I grow spinach, this year I’m growing spinach
tomatoes, arugula, Swiss chard, all kinds of good stuff. Okay here we go. So Basic Instinct says: Hey Cheryl, how to
deal with people who don’t accept that I’m different than others. Don’t
deal with them. I mean, I know that sounds really simplistic, but it’s really
about you getting comfortable with who you are. Like for example, I’m really
sensitive. It’s why I’m really good at what I do and I embrace and honor and
respect my sensitivity. That’s why I love nature, why I love animals like Mr.
Poupon who is laying right here. It’s why I take care of, I care about
people and so regardless of who you are and how you are, I had to grow
comfortable with my sensitivity. I had to become comfortable with the fact that
I was different than a lot of other people. I don’t like bright lights and
big crowds and lots of noise. I don’t like going into a restaurant to have
dinner with loud music. To me that’s kind of like an oxymoron, I don’t get it.
So I very graciously will ask people to turn music down, turn the music down in a
restaurant and oftentimes they do. It’s great. They’re awesome, they’re very
accommodating. My inner circle of people who are close to me are also
very sensitive and they respect the fact that I’m sensitive and that I have
different, you know I might have different needs than other people
and that’s great. And then I deal with people in my sort of professional
world. I mean a lot of people I attract to me and my work are also sensitive or
longing to be more sensitive to embrace their sensitivity and that’s great. It’s
just because we really attract what we are and what we embrace. So if you have a
lot of people around you who don’t accept who you are, don’t embrace who you are, then you have to really look at who you’re hanging out with and why. Now
remember there is this thing called “repetition compulsion” that Freud wrote
about this and spoke about this, about this desire that we have, this natural
instinct to go back to the people or the people who would, the people who
raised us who didn’t see us or accept us or get us and so we tend to- repetition
compulsion- we keep going back to try and get the very people who don’t get who we
are to get us when instead we want to spend more of our energy and time
focused with the people who do get us and do respect us and do appreciate us.
And of course we need to be cultivating the
same kind of generosity with others. So it’s why, before I got married, I dated so
many men who just didn’t, who weren’t present for me in the way that I needed
someone to be present. Do you hear my birds out there? Guys be quiet. I’m on
Facebook right now. I’ll get back to you. Wait a minute, they’re eating away. It’s why I dated men who didn’t get me. They’re not listening.
And I was always trying to get them to see me or to understand me or to, it was ridiculous. I just spent so much time, I wasted, well I didn’t really
waste because the truth is that I learned a lot and I am where I am
today because of all of the crap that I went through in the past, really. You know
there were a lot of guys early on that I was in relationships with that
inspired me to go into therap, and for that I’m deeply grateful. So pay
attention, ask yourself questions like why am i hanging out with people who
don’t really, who don’t really appreciate and respect me. What am I trying to prove? What don’t I appreciate and respect about myself? What do I need in order to
value who I am and what I stand for and what matters to me and what I care about
more in my life and what do I need in order to feel worthy of surrounding
myself with people who accept that I’m different regardless of how you’re
different? By the way, if somebody who’s been coaching for almost
25 years… I’ve seen it all. And I’ve embraced it all and accepted it all
and that’s really, I think we all need to learn to do that more. Certainly. So
anyway, I hope that’s helpful to you. Thank you Chris. Okay so Linnell says… Let’s see. First of all let me clean my glasses because they’re dirty from working
in the garden although I don’t use them as much in the garden. But every now and
then when I have to read a label… Okay there we go. Linnell says my wonderful husband and grown sons are running too fast in the
rat race of business making money, etc. How can I help them to slow down and
become more conscious. I’ve followed you for years and get it. They don’t. What
advice can you offer? Well Linnell, it won’t happen by you
bugging them. I promise either doesn’t work and if
Michael my husband were here he’d say, “Listen to her, she’s right.” It won’t
happen if you nag them. First of all, it’s like I always say even to parents.
You want to model the behavior that you want to inspire in those close to you
and to family members. So it’s really important that you’re focused on
yourself, Linnell, slowing down and being more, being more present in your own life.
I think I’ve modeled so many things to my husband Michael that he’s adopted
over the years and he has modeled an awful lot to me, like slowing down and
being more present that I’ve adopted and am still working to adopt so if it’s
affecting you in some way. For example if you’re not getting the time with them
that you want or you’re not getting the, you’re not getting the kind of attention. Oh my screen just went black, did anybody notice that? There we go. If you’re not, if you feel like you’re not getting the connection that you want,
then you may need to sit down and talk to them about it. And are they
enjoying what they do? Are they just, are they really stressed out and
unhappy and just trying to make money or are they loving what they do in which
case are they modeling something for you? is there, does it mean that you
need to spend some time looking at doing more of what you love. I mean the bottom
line, Linnell, is we can’t get anybody to do anything and if we try, if we bug them,
that just pushes them away. It just makes it more difficult. So you could have a
conversation with them but the most important thing I think is for you to
model the behavior and let them know you’re doing that. There’s nothing wrong with doing that. So sorry I can’t offer more than that. So Pamela says what’s the best way to let go, let go of control of situations. That’s
the million dollar question, right? The art of surrender. I write about that in
The Unmistakable Touch of Grace. It’s a book I wrote a few books back. It’s sort
of like a spiritual memoir. It might be a good book for you to check out, Pamela,
because I talk about surrender and the importance of surrendering and the
experience I had in my own life with surrendering. I would pick up a
set of prayer beads and I would, one of the things I do is when I become over
focused on something because I’m scared, and usually that’s what happens. Control
is usually about anxiety and fear. Sometimes I’ll do some tapping. I’ll do
the tapping sequences on the anxiety I feel about not being able to control
something and sometimes I’ll just take the mala and I’ll just repeat a simple
prayer. So Pamela, you could get yourself or if you have rosary beads, any kind of
beads and I might just say something like: I surrender and I feel
safe. I surrender and I feel safe. I surrender and I feel safe. Or, you know
just say something like it’s safe for me to let go. It’s safe for me to let go or I
trust in the power of the universe. I trust in the Divine Mother to protect me.
Thank you for your protection Divine Mother. Thank you for your protection
Divine Father, whatever is appropriate for you. I’ll sometimes use
the prayer beads as a way to refocus my mind. You know worry and
anxiety and trying to control situations is often a habit and it’s just a habit
that needs to be changed. And rather than break a habit, as Louise always says, you
never want to break a habit because you just leave shards of it all around.
Instead, what I want to do is I want to dissolve a habit and I think that kind
of focused prayer is a way to dissolve a habit. Sometimes we need to ask for
help, sometimes we need to talk to a friend, sometimes we need to,
we need to do some work in therapy depending on how chronic it is. You know
how often it’s happening and how much it feels like it’s affecting your life. You
might want to get some support. But think of it as a spiritual practice. So it’s
not just about the thing that you’re worried about controlling right now.
It’s teaching yourself to believe this is the important thing. It’s teaching
yourself to believe in the goodness of the universe and that life loves you and
that there is, oh boy, I know this is hard, people, given the stuff that’s
going on in the world and let me just say, I didn’t say it right up
front, but you know people in Manchester at the Ariana Grande concert, I’m just really praying, I always, I just imagine sending white
light to that part of the world surrounding them. Sometimes I imagine
them at the foot of the Divine Mother, you know the beautiful, Mother Mary’s
statue, the miraculous Mary with her hands extended. I imagine her just above
that whole area and I imagine putting the City of Manchester at her feet,
surrounded by her. You can also do this yourself, Pamela. You know as we get older, and not even as we get older, I think we just need to cultivate a belief in the
goodness that exists in the universe and I know it’s not always easy.
it’s not always easy for me but as we cultivated it, it does get easier and then
life starts to demonstrate for us that we are in fact, we have what it
takes to handle what comes our way. I’m not talking about creating Nirvana,
people. I mean that’s just, it’s just not going to happen. It’s been
a hard year for me and it continues to be challenging in some ways and you know
what? I just keep breathing and praying and doing my mala and reaching out and
getting support and I’m trusting that there is an inherent goodness in the
world and that I can tap into it and I’m going to flow in and out of it. And the
more I turn my attention in that direction, the more it proves me
right. So I hope that’s helpful, Pamela. So Natalie says my long-term partner and
I split up at the beginning of this year because he lost his way. Since then he
has made every effort to make it right. I’m just afraid to go back into the
relationship fully because I have heard a lot of words before from him. This time
I want action. I am a codependent and he has gambling
issues. Okay well Natalie, first of all, are you in
some kind of, I don’t know where you are but are you in Al-Anon or some kind of a
12-step program for people? Codependents Anonymous for people who are codependent? And then what kind of help has he gotten? Has he gone for treatment? if the
relationship is splitting up because of the gambling then it might not be a
gambling issue, it might be a gambling addiction. You might need to say what it
is. And if you get quiet you go inside and I were to say to you, Natalie, what’s
the truth? Is it really, is it an addiction based on what happened? Is it
expressing itself as an addiction? And if you don’t know for sure, you need to get
some information for yourself because if it is it needs to be treated then you’re
right to be concerned. Addicts are just suffering from a
disease. I understand that they’re also charming and talented at getting their
way. They know exactly what to say in order to protect their drug of choice
and they’re using their ability to use, They know exactly what to do and unless
they…let me just say it this way, Natalie. If it were me and I’ve been
there. If it were me and I were in a relationship with somebody who had an
addiction problem, I would be getting my own help because I absolutely spent
years being very codependent and still can be very codependent in my marriage. It’s just my nature. I mean, I’m not even sure if you can
call it codependent anymore, it’s like I lean toward overgiving and I’m always
having to pull myself back. I would be getting help for myself and I certainly would need to know that this person was in recovery. Now in AA,
generally speaking, they often say that an alcoholic should be in AA for a good
year before they even attempt to enter into a relationship. They need to be
focused on their sobriety and so is he getting help and is he getting help
consistently? I certainly wouldn’t be living with them. I would if you are
living with him, I would keep space, keep distance and just let him prove that
he’s getting the help that he deserves while you get the help that you deserve.
And then take it slowly one step at a time because otherwise if you don’t, it’s just a mess Natalie. It’s just a mess. If somebody
needs to be in consistent therapy or going to consistent meetings not once a
month and if it’s a bad addiction not once a week, he needs, he
needs to make it right for himself. This is the important part: he needs to make
it right for himself. You need to know that his healing and his sobriety is
something that he’s deeply committed to. It doesn’t mean he’s going to
do it perfectly before he’s got to be showing you that he’s consistent and you
can just date while he’s doing that. You don’t have to get married, you don’t have
to live together. You can just give it time because he needs a good year under
his belt of healing before he probably will have, if he’s an addict, before he
will probably have the energy and the attention he needs to put into your
relationship. That might not be what you want to hear and I’m sorry but it’s the
truth. It’s kind of experience. Truth from experience. All right, let’s see. I wish
you all the best sweetheart. As a matter of fact I’m going to put you, where is it
my little prayer book? Remember my red prayer book for those of you who have
been with me before? I’m going to put you in the prayer book, Natalie, you and your
partner. I don’t need to know his or her name, I just need to put you in here, and
there you are. All right Natalie and her partner. Okay so let’s see. So Anya says I’d like to ask if you have any advice on how to
deal with ex clients who spread negativity and falsehoods about you. I have
some fear that people will buy the lies and it will hurt my business. Have you
been through something like that and how did you handle it. I actually did go
through something like that very early in my career. It was just when I began
doing The Oprah Show. I had a colleague of mine, well I guess I can’t
really call her a colleague. I didn’t know her. I’d not met her. It was an author
whose work I really respected and admired and referred to a lot. I mean, I shared with audiences and I think she got her buttons pushed and
started a what do you call it, back then it was like a chat board about
negative things about me that weren’t true. And so I did contact her. I let her
know that it was brought to my attention, that what she was saying was untrue and
that I wondered why this was happening. And I extended an olive branch
trying to just open a dialogue and it began a dialogue that quickly turned
into:Iif I supported her work more overtly and directly in the ways that
she wanted, she was going to tone it down and that’s when I knew. I don’t play that game, that sort of called extortion and some level. And I blessed
her and I let it go. We can’t control what other people say. Now if any of
these clients, if you did work for these clients and there’s a question about
whether or not you did the right thing, you probably need to clean that up. But
if that’s not the case then you can’t, we can’t control what other people say. I
always say integrity ultimately wins so putting your energy…now let me back up
and also say that without knowing the details…sometimes if people
are publicly slandering like in that particular case I told you about. At the
time, my lawyer at the time who cares about me a lot. I think he’s been with me
my whole career was really angry and wanted me to threaten lawsuit because
it was public slander, which is unusual for him. I think he, just because he loved
me, he was just mad at this person because usually he keeps me out of
lawsuits. And I decided that I wasn’t going to do that and that I was going to
communicate with her. And when I did like I said, it just didn’t, it wound up, it was pretty obvious to me that this person just had a chip on their shoulder
and they had work to do and it wasn’t about me and there was nothing I could
do about it. She could just talk smack about me all
she wanted, there was nothing I could do. But what I could do is make sure that
the work that I was doing was done with integrity and done well and take really
good care of my clients and focus my energy on that sort of, in that direction. And I know it’s hard. I mean, it was a tough period for me. I
was thinking how do people do that, make up stuff about you. But
it happens all the time. And so if there are people that you work with that
you’re concerned about, be gracious and take the heart. Do not badmouth this person
because what I found is somebody who will, somebody who will
bad-mouth other people, sort of make it a career of bad-mouthing other people
usually the other people that are involved with them see what’s going on
and they slowly start to back away as well. That’s been my experience in both
coaching clients who have had this happen to them and in my own life. So you
want to stay focused on what you can control, which is your own behavior and
the work that you do with your clients. All right. There we go. Okay so Cathy, I don’t understand. You say will I be able to save my animal sanctuary? This is very dear to me, my precious
rescues and their safety. This is a time-sensitive matter. Very emotional.
Thank you very much. Well go ahead and if it’s a non-profit animal sanctuary, you
could always just post your website on here and invite donations. And you know
me, I love animals. I’m a big supporter of animals. I support a lot of
organizations who support animals and and so I you know as long as it’s legit
and it’s a non-profit, please feel free to post the website. I don’t know exactly
what’s going on there. Maddie, are you making a set of malas, is that
what she meant? That’s cool let me know if you are. Barb says Cheryl, can you
write when you’re in a bad mood? Yes. I know I need to get this project done and
I even like what I’m doing but some days I just can’t plant myself down to start
writing. Any advice? Thanks, can’t wait for the new book. Thank you so much. Speaking of the new book, where is it? This is, okay, it’s going to be backwards but this
is the galley, it’s the uncorrected proof but it’s kind of like,
it will give you an idea of what the cover is going to look like. Waking Up in
Winter: In Search of What Really Matters at Midlife. That’s me walking in my
backyard in the snow. So yes it’s funny, Barb, that you would ask this
question because I was thinking this morning when I got up I had a little
writing project I needed to get done. I need to finish the write-up for the next
Self-Care by the Sea Retreat which is happening in October and this one’s
going to be focused on health. It’s all about healthcare by the sea and it’s
all about falling in love with our bodies and taking good care of our
bodies. And I’ve asked, I’ve invited Susan Doughty who is a woman’s healthcare
practitioner and who’s awesome. She has been in practice for thirty years and
now she’s left private practice really to educate women about their bodies
and she’s going to join me at the retreat this time and we’re going to
talk everything health for women. And so I needed to get that project done and
this morning I was thinking about one of the great things for me is a deadline. I
have trained myself. Writing my weekly blog has really trained me to write
against a deadline so every week for the most part, every week I need to put out a
blog every Sunday. I try to do it every Sunday night, sometimes I’d
rerun one because I’ve got 15 years worth of blogs. So what I do, Barb, is
in order to, when I’m days like that when I’ve got to meet a deadline, I do
this a lot with the blog. I’ll start writing about something. Now you’ve
got a project so you already know what you’re doing, right? You said I need to
get this project done. Sometimes what I’ll do is to make it fun. I’ll break it
up. Instead of just sitting myself down in
front of the computer, I’ll do things like go out for a walk and decide that
while I’m walking I’m going to focus on, I might focus on
five examples that I want to give in a particular thing that I’m writing or I’m
going to focus on. I’m going to go out for a walk and look for a story that I
can include. If I don’t know what I’m writing about I go out for a walk
and I look for a story that I can use in what I’m writing. Or I do this all the
time, Barb. I did this with Take Time for Your Life. I’ll do laundry or I’ll
empty the dishwasher. I’ll fold clothes and while I’m doing that, I
take myself away from the computer, I go someplace else. Like now that the deck
gardens are up, I might go out and water the plants and think about what I’m writing and then go in and write down whatever occurs to me and go back and forth that
way. It, kind of makes it more fun, it breaks it up and it doesn’t feel like, I don’t know, like I’m a kid in school with an assignment. Instead I find
that when you move the body what happens is it’s easier to come up
with ideas when the body is moving. I hope that’s helpful, it totally works
for me. Let’s see. oh, oh, oh Janice, I’m glad you’re here. I
just had a tooth out and have a sore mouth but grateful for the toothache stopping. Yeah right. Good You could also be grateful for that. Also you can tap on that: Even though I have this toothache, II love and accept
myself. Even though I have this ache in my tooth, I deeply and profoundly love
and accept myself. Even though my tooth is aching and I don’t like the way it
feels, I choose to feel peaceful and calm. Those are some examples so make a note.
we’re about, let’s see, at 12:35 ish. Janice, if you come back
and look and then you can just tap right here: This toothache,
this toothache that’s bothering me, this toothache that I don’t want to have,
I choose to feel peaceful and calm. Even though I have this toothache I choose to
love and accept myself. Even though I have this toothache, I choose to love my
body and to be grateful for the healing, even though I have this toothache. And
that will actually help calm the body’s adrenaline, calm the body’s adrenal system down, it will calm inflammation down and it will make your teeth feel better.
All right, let’s see. Okay so Natalie responds: I’m a codependent enabler. I realized that
he’s so good at manipulation sometimes I don’t even realize it until I sit and
look over the event. Yeah okay, so everything I said to you Natalie still
stands. Okay, what else do we have? Well Bettina, your whole backyard is
a vegetable garden and you eat from it all summer. Don’t you just
love that. It’s so easy people to grow your own food.
These beads, Gene, are the mala beads, 108 beads like japa mala, right? Repeating
a mantra and these are blue lapis. Aren’t they pretty… blue lapis with a little
angel hanging at the end. Let’s see. Okay so I’m looking
for more questions here. Oh Bettina, just got it. Okay.
Oh, somebody has written in a different language. Okay. Oh good Linnell, thanks. I’m glad that that was helpful. Do you have you insight on relationships with
narcissists? Yeah. I mean I’ve not been in a relationship.. well
that’s not true I was in a professional relationship with a narcissist. It was
really hard. And if someone’s truly a narcissist who has the mental health
disorder of narcissism, they need to be getting help and it’s a
tricky mental illness to deal with. They’re really, really challenging to be
in a relationship with. Eventually I had to end my professional relationship with
this person because I just couldn’t… I think getting yourself some help,
Sinead, so that you can really identify what’s going on and how you might need
to be supported is probably the first step. Okay yeah. so Mariho, I’m
finding it really difficult to hold my head up today and smile and try to move
forward after reading once again about the carnage of innocent lives caused by
evil monsters. Yeah, you know it’s heartbreaking, just heartbreaking and I was thinking about that this morning,
about how because of media and social media and the access to so much media, we see everything that’s going on in the world and I stay pretty informed in ways that I choose. There are certain news outlets that I go
to when I’m in the right place to go to them and I just make sure that I
don’t get overwhelmed by it because I want to stay focused on being a source
of light and love and peace in the world. And there are times, Mariho there
are times when my heart breaks and there are times where quite honestly I think
it’s really hard to be here on the planet. I’m sensitive and I bet
you know what I mean and I bet there’s a lot of you who know what I’m saying, that
there are sometimes when I just think, God, this is a hard place to be, especially
over this last six months or so with all the stuff that’s going on. It’s been this way for a long time. but taking good care of ourselves,
practicing good self-care, limiting your exposure to the media. Remember the media is set up to get you to stay engaged. It’s addictive and it’s
insane and so doing what you can to really pick and choose where
you’re going to get your information from and taking good care of yourself is
really critical during this time. And then I always say this: Never ever
underestimate the power of working with energy and prayer and sending good
energy and prayers and healing to the areas that are affected. I’ve heard many
stories over the years of people who have had near-death experiences, who
witnessed people sending them love, streams of light when they were on the
other side only to come back and be able to talk about that, so I do that a lot.
Sometimes I’ll just write it in my prayer book, the people of
Manchester and I pray and I pray for everyone and you know, Mariho, I pray
for the evil people. I pray for the wounded people I see humanity in terms of, levels of consciousness and there are different
levels of consciousness. And people with a much lower level of consciousness and
people who have been hurt, hurt people. And so I try to maintain the intention of love and healing for
everyone because everyone needs it including those who do these horrible
things. I can’t imagine a person blowing themselves up in the middle of a group
of kids, people just people, whether they’re kids are not, people,
without having something dramatically wrong with them. And so I make a point of
staying focused on the things that are good in my life that I’m grateful for. I
also make a point of helping where I can supporting people where I can in my own
backyard. And we do that in a number of ways
whether it’s helping somebody to take bags to a car, praying for somebody in
our own lives individually, financially supporting somebody, employing people. I think about that a lot. You know Roberta who is here with me is
just a gifted gardener and herbalist and she’s a single woman on her
own and I love being able to hire her to support me because I know that I’m
contributing to the cycle of life and the cycle of abundance. So where can we
support people in a whole bunch of different ways right in our own
neighborhoods? That’s how we contribute to the betterment of the world. And those
are just some of the things that I focus on, Mariho. and you know what? I’m
going to put you in my prayer book, too, sweetheart because it is hard, man. There you are and I’m putting a little heart next to your name,
too. Okay, Yes, Sinead said you remember the quote, “Before every rejection is
God’s protection.” It’s a great quote that came from somebody else. Somebody told me it, I just don’t remember who it was. Okay let’s see. We’ve
got a few more minutes for questions. Okay so Pia says how do I set boundaries
with a negative thinking and increasingly demanding family member. I
was contacted by a half-brother a few years ago that I never knew but after a
good start things are getting complicated and uncomfortable.
Complicated and uncomfortable are important words here. While I’m married
and have wonderful friends, I don’t have any other family so I feel conflicted.
Yeah well, there’s your problem, Pia. The problem is that, yeah some part of you
wants to feel a connection to family, needs to be honored and heard and
nurtured and seen, witnessed and then it sounds like some bigger parts of you are
going…okay hold on a second there’s some flags here. I see some yellow lights,
maybe red lights and I need to take a step back and pay attention to what’s
going on here because it’s getting complicated and uncomfortable. Those are
signals, people, when things get complicated. I always say when
relationships start to get complicated there’s some boundaries that need to be
set, generally speaking, in order for me to protect my own self-care. So Pia, just
because you share blood with somebody doesn’t mean they have a right to step
over your boundaries. And it may be difficult for you to set boundaries
unless you see and acknowledge and honor the part of you that probably grieves
not having a blood connection to family. It doesn’t mean you have to stay in
relationship with this half-brother. You can try, I mean I think every
relationship is worth saving as we learn to set healthy boundaries. And so being
able to say to him, and I don’t know what’s going on, but being able to
say to him I love you or I enjoy having you in my life
but it needs to be in a way that’s comfortable for me and here’s the things
that have to happen. And if he steps over that, you can set them again. But people who break boundaries, you usually always have to set them two or
three times and by the third time if they don’t get it, then… Okay if this
continues we’re not going to be able to be in a relationship so what do you want
to do? Because I told you what the boundaries
are and you’re not honoring them and I need you to honor them. And if he’s not
willing to honor those boundaries, Pia, then you’re not going to be able to be
in that relationship and it will be harder for you to set that boundary
unless you tend to the part of you that still grieves that lack of connection. Does
that makes sense? It’s great that you’ve got wonderful,
that you’re married and that you’ve got wonderful friends. Use them for support.
My husband Michael is, just last night I was talking with him about a
difficult situation, a difficult relationship situation, because he’s somebody who, he’s on, he’s really able to be more objective
about relationships than I am sometimes and he just gave me such wonderful
support and feedback. I just talked it all out with him and then let him give
me his perspective and his perspective helped me to see: Oh wait a minute.
No no no there’s a part of me that’s sad about losing a particular
relationship but I can’t let that sad part have me enter into a dangerous
situation or an uncomfortable situation or a complicated situation. I don’t know
about all of you but the older I get the less interested I am in complication and
drama. I just don’t want drama in my life. My life is a drama-free zone and if I’m
in relationships with people where we can’t be honest and direct with each
other, where we can’t just really let each other know how we feel and
what’s going on then it’s probably not going to happen. I’d rather have
fewer people in my life than managing drama and complications. I just don’t want
that. Anyway I hope that’s helpful, Pia. Hi Janice, thank you, thank you. And thank
you, Toronto. Yes, Bettina and Janice, the two of you should get
together for lunch. And Kim, look at the three of you all in Toronto, my goodness.
You all should connect. So May says what if you’re married to an alcoholic. They say
they’re gonna stop drinking but don’t go to regular meetings. We’re living apart at this time
but I’m upset about this. Yeah. you should be. First of all, I hope you’re in Al-Anon,
May. It’s really important and I’d be going regularly if I were you. Yes,
it looks like you are. Okay I think. I think that was you I’m not sure. And if he stopped drinking or she stopped drinking and are thriving in
life then maybe you can tiptoe in. But if there isn’t consistent help, it’s a little dangerous. It just is and here’s the important thing to remember for
those of you in relationships with people who may have the illness of
addiction. First of all, it’s an illness so there’s no judgment here. They just
need help. Remember stay connected to the reality
of what is rather than fall in love with the dream of what could be. That’s very
important advice for most relationships. Don’t fall in love with somebody’s
potential, fall in love with the reality of who they are. Don’t fall in love with
the dream of what could be in the relationship, stay connected to the truth
of what’s going on and deal with the relationship from there.
Some of the best advice I got long ago. Let’s see. Yeah boundaries. Darlene is just saying she’s loving the boundary
conversation and yeah boundaries are always going to bring up guilt and
people, you’ve got to learn how to live with feeling guilty. Tap on it: Even
though I feel guilty, I love and accept myself. Even though I feel guilty about
setting this boundary, I choose to feel peaceful and calm. Even though it makes
me feel guilty when I set boundaries with people so I don’t,
I choose to start doing it now. You’re going to feel guilty when you set
boundaries and the growth is about learning how to be with the guilt until
it subsides. Most people give in and wind up relaxing their boundaries
because they don’t want to feel guilt. But you know what? You can’t grow to be a
mature, thriving, happy, healthy adult without also learning how to be with
guilt. How to presence guilt, how to just stay present in your
body even though you feel guilty. You can get support from people.I used tapping.
I had a great therapist who said once to me, Cheryl, healthy guilt
is there for a reason. You did something wrong, you feel guilty, you fix it. But
when you feel guilty for taking care of yourself, one of the things you have to
ask yourself is have I done something wrong here? Really, the adult part of
you needs to say have I done something wrong by telling my half-brother that
it’s not okay for him to show up unannounced. No. I’ve not done anything
wrong. It’s not okay for anybody to show up unannounced. Well then, that’s
not something you feel guilty over and if you do then you know it’s unhealthy
guilt and you need to deal with that. That’s about you, that’s not about your
half-brother. I’m using the half-brother as an example. It’s the same thing, Darlene,
with a foster daughter. I kindly let her know she’s still loved but I’m not able to
let her back in. I still feel the guilt but I know this is a loving choice. Yes I
cannot be in that codependent relationship. And here’s the other thing:
When we set boundaries with people who are inappropriately needy or stepping over our boundaries or complicated and just inappropriate in their behavior, we force them to grow up. We
force them to just figure it out. Now setting boundaries with an addict a lot
of times they’ll just go find somebody else to take care of them and you need
to be prepared for that. Addicts are really skillful at getting
other people to take care of them. It’s just part of the disease. You just don’t
want to be one of those people. And you want to learn, nowadays when I make
choices that make me feel guilty and I do it all the time and the guilt comes
up…I just had this happen yesterday and I made a decision. I needed to cancel, I needed to delay a meeting I’ll just say and I got a
text about it that wasn’t, the story I told myself is that
this person was upset about me delaying the meeting and I instantly felt guilty.
And I thought oh wait a minute. Did you do anything wrong?
No, you delayed a meeting. People delay meetings all the time. You can do that. What’s this guilt about? And I
just really tuned in and there was this young part of me that got triggered by
the text that I received because there was a kind of an abruptness to it that
reminded me of an abruptness I experienced at another time in my life. And once I
was able to just sit with it, to presence the guilt and say, wait a minute. Did I do
anything wrong? No I didn’t. Okay. Well then, you know what? I don’t have to feel guilty. So instead I just put my hand on my heart and I said, Sweetheart, that young part of me that is feeling
guilty right now, I got you. You’re okay. You didn’t do anything wrong and you
don’t have to feel guilty, and I’m here with you, I’m going to stand by you. I’ve
got your back. And instantly I felt completely relaxed and relieved by it
all. I wasn’t wasn’t feeling, the guilt just went away. So that’s what I mean by
presencing the guilt and being there for the young parts of us that get triggered
by people’s behavior in present day that may remind us of family members or
situations. All right, we’ve got to wrap it up here. Let’s see. So here’s an easy
one. Claire says I’m very interested in becoming a coach. What are the first steps to becoming a coach? Well Claire, I always say one of the best things to do is to
get coached, to enter into a formal relationship with a coach and experience
it for at least a good three months and you can use that coaching relationship
to explore becoming a coach. What does it mean, what does it mean to build a
practice? You’re going to be building a business and it’s going to
take you a good two years to build a full referral generated practice if
you’re really good at what you do and you get good training.
So getting coached is the first thing. I’d go to, I should write this stuff down because I want to put it… hold
on one second… Guild, mala, ICF. It’s called the International
Coach Federation. I’m trying to remember there was some other resources I thought
I was going to mention. Kathy, if you’re watching, I know you’ll remember what
they are and you’ll tell me. You always do. So go to
and read about coaching. That’s the International
Coach Federation. It’s the largest independent Association. Look for some of
the training organizations that they certify and look for training
organizations that offer free classes, free teleclasses or online
classes where you can just experience their kind of training. I think that
would also be really great. I’d encourage you to read Take Time for
Your Life. That’s my first book and I write all about it. I mean that book
covers the sort of basic process that I used with clients. You could even use
that book with clients. And I share lots of client’s stories and I talk about
coaching and what it is and what it isn’t. That was the first book that I
published: Take Time for Your Life. Let me just make a note of that, too… Take Time and I mentioned Grace. So yeah, those are some ways to get started, Claire,
and I think you’ll start to have a really good idea of what you need to do
in order to pursue coaching. Mare says Cheryl, when driven by fear around
finances, can you suggest a person to help organize financial goals? There’s a
woman by the name of Melissa Sweet. Her website is She’s a fee-based financial planner so
what she does is she works with people over the phone via Skype and in person.
She’s here in Massachusetts, she’s somebody I refer people to a lot and
she’ll meet with people and she’ll look at all of their debt, all of their income
all of their assets, and help you to put together a a financial plan for you. I
use her myself personally I love her, and she also she follows Esther Hicks/Abraham. She really understands the Law of Attraction as well so she brings this
great sound smart financial advice and marries it with the whole metaphysical, how our thinking and our feelings. When I met with
her, she said to me, “Honey, you’re doing really well financially except you’re
just too, you’ve got a lot of fear around security and money. And
I knew that it came from growing up in a large family where my dad was
working three jobs and there was a lot of anxiety around money off and on
growing up. And so she said to me the inner work, I needed to
do inner work related to my finances instead of the outer work. And so I love
that she has both of those perspectives. So I’ll include Melissa Sweet Money, I’ll
include her and also Pamela, I will include Health Care by the Sea
I’m going to call it, I think, Health Care by the Sea. The retreat information is
going to be happening in October, it’s the weekends of the 21st or 22nd
and it’s going to be ready for registration pretty soon. So you can find
it on as you can also, you can subscribe to the weekly
newsletter that will let you know when I’m doing these Facebook posts, when I’ll
be doing, when I’ll be holding those Facebook live coaching sessions. Hey
Jessica, I see you’re here. Jessica Ortner. Hi sweetheart. We were talking about
tapping a little earlier, so Jessica Ortner, Nick Ortner’s sister, has a
wonderful, wonderful tapping program on weight loss. I’ve mentioned it here
before on Facebook live. I’m in a beautiful book that she wrote on tapping for weight loss as well and God, Jessica, I’m spacing on the title.
Will you do me a favor and if you’re still here, will you just do me a favor
and put your book title in the comments. I can’t believe I’m spacing on it. It’s because I’m focused on this. So anyway, yes, Jessica has a great, Tapping for Weight Loss and Body
Confidence is what I want to say because I love that she uses the phrase: body
confidence. Anyway okay, it’s 1 o’clock, we’re going to wrap it up. Thank you all for
being here. I really as always appreciate you joining me and once again just join me in sending lots of healing energy and love to the people of
Manchester and to everybody involved in that event. I always like to say if we died and knew, if we died and went to the
Other Side and could look back and see, could see streams of light coming
from us to everywhere we send love and healing energy, if we could see it, if we
knew that it actually was doing something, wouldn’t we be doing it all
the time? Well if I’m going to be a betting gal in
a healthy kind of way, then I’m going to bet that that’s true. And so the next
time you find yourself feeling really deeply affected by what’s going on in
the world just imagine streams of light going right to where you want them to go.
I send it to Syria all the time, to the refugees, to animals… I just send white light because I I know in my heart , I just know in my heart when
I leave this planet and I get to the Other Side I’m going to look back and
see that all of that really really matters. I know it’s true. All right, I
love you all very much and I so appreciate you being here and I look
forward to connecting with you next week. Watch out for this week I’m going to do
a Facebook Live on The Magic Mala, Bob Olson’s book The Magic Mala. I’ll
have a copy of it with me and I may even read a little bit out of it. Who knows.
We’ll see. All right, have a great day everybody. Take good care. Bye

5 Replies to “Setting Boundaries, Dealing with Guilt, Relationships & more – Coaching with Cheryl Richardson”

  1. What an amazing gift…thank you for all your professional advice, tapping exercises which have helped me a lot, your honesty and candour and for all the extra resources.  I will certainly be reading your book… 'The Unmistakable Touch of Grace'.  God bless

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