The Red Skelton Show – Clem the Dentist (Fully Closed Captioned)

The Red Skelton Show – Clem the Dentist (Fully Closed Captioned)


ANNOUNCER: Live
in full color. ♪ From Hollywood, “The
Red Skelton Show.” Brought to you by…
PET Milk Company, makers of double rich
PET evaporated milk, ♪ PET instant
nonfat dry milk, ♪ and Pet-Ritz frozen pies. ♪ “The Red Skelton
Show” with David Rose and his orchestra,
and Red’s guest stars, Reed Hadley, Amanda
Blake, and Benny Baker. ♪ Now, here he is, the star
of our show, Red Skelton! ♪ [applause] [applause] RED: Thank you very much. Thank you very much,
and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I still have
a little cold… I took a shower
last night, and I must have
got my feet wet. [audience laughter] The um…(chuckling) [audience laughter] Tonight our show has
to do with school, and I got to
say one thing. I loved school
when I was a kid. I used to walk four miles
to school every day, but I never
learned anything. School was five
miles away. [audience laughter] I used to play
hooky quite a bit, I used to play
hooky quite a bit, and one day a police
officer walks up and one day a police
officer walks up and he says, haven’t
you been missing school? I says, not a bit. [audience laughter] Children like to
learn, so one day, I took Valentina over
to the library, and I’m sitting there. I’m reading. and all of a sudden,
here she comes over. and all of a sudden,
here she comes over. She put down a little
piece of paper, She put down a little
piece of paper, and she goes away,
and she comes back in a couple minutes, puts
down a another piece. I says, what on
earth are you doing? I says, what on
earth are you doing? She says, there’s
a book over there. She says, there’s
a book over there. It’s kind of big. I can’t carry it. I can’t carry it. I’m bringing it over
one page at a time. I’m bringing it over
one page at a time. [audience laughter] I like kid stories. I like kid stories. Give me my hat,
give me my hat! Give me my hat,
give me my hat! Here’s one I used
to do in vaudeville, and um, being the
Seabees are here, I’ll do it for them. Because, you know,
they’re all young fellas. They’ve never heard
these old jokes. [audience laughter] (CHILDISH VOICE) This
little kid says… I don’t know why nobody
would tell me anything. I want to learn but
they won’t tell me. For instance, I
say to my mommy, where do I come from? where do I come from? And she won’t tell me. And she won’t tell me. Finally I says,
I want to know where do I come from? So she says, “Look, you
see this little seed? Well, if you were to
plant that, it would grow.” Well, a few days later,
I was eating an apple, and I came to the seeds,
and I said to me self, I’m going to
raise some kids.” I’m going to
raise some kids.” [audience laughter] [audience laughter] So I take the seeds and
I put it in some dirt, and I put the
dirt under to bed. I went back
two days later, I was never so embarrassed
in all me life. What do you think
is walking around? Ants! [audience laughter] So help me, if they
weren’t my own kids, I would have
stepped on them. I would have
stepped on them. [audience laughter] [audience laughter] [applause] You know, another thing I
liked about school was You know, another thing I
liked about school was any time there
was a parade, any time there
was a parade, our school was
always let out early, or we didn’t go
to school at all to get to see the parade. I remember as a little boy
I never actually watched the parade. I watched the
little old man, I watched the
little old man, and he sort of told
us, the little kids, and he sort of told
us, the little kids, who couldn’t
quite see exactly what was going on. I would like to do
that for you now, and you have
to imagine all these different things. these different things. I’ll be the
little old man. I’ll be the
little old man. ♪ [parade music] ♪ [applause] [applause] ♪ DANCERS: (SINGING)
♪ Hey, look at us. ♪ We’re taking a
crack at college! ♪ And all these lessons
really give us pains. ♪ We’re drinking
in the facts ♪ from “The Book
of Knowledge.” ♪ And filling up your
empty little brains. ♪ ♪ Who cares for Play-doh? ♪ We much prefer
a cute tomato, ♪ who looks like her. ♪ who looks like her. ♪ All the boys
ought to grow up. ♪ All the boys
ought to grow up. ♪ They’ve got us all upset. ♪ Those adorable creatures
want to be teacher’s pet. ♪ The things we’re learning
will help, they say, ♪ when we start earning
our weekly pay. ♪ That means fellas,
we hear it’ll be worth ♪ a year of fuss. ♪ Plus, there’ll be no
sheepskins for us. ♪ ♪ Tonight, Red Skelton will
play the fool as Clem. ♪ We’ll find him right
back in school. ♪ Now, we better
depart because he’s ♪ Now, we better
depart because he’s ♪ gonna start the show. ♪ gonna start the show. ♪ So, let’s move, let’s
travel, let’s goooooo! ♪ So, let’s move, let’s
travel, let’s goooooo! ♪ [applause] ♪ [applause] [applause] ♪ [college graduation
commencement music] [applause] DEAN: And so, Mr. Oliver,
having successfully completed our course,
it is our pleasure to present you with
this diploma, which signifies your
qualifications as a civil engineer. GRADUATE: Oh, thank
you, Dean Treadway. Thank you! DEAN: That’ll
be $200, please? GRADUATE: Oh, yes, yes. There you are. Oh, I’m so proud! Just think, only
two weeks ago I was delivering papers…
and today, I’m a civil engineer. MR. HEATH: And we’re very
proud of you too, Mr. Oliver. [audience laughter] We here at
Treadway University know that you’re
going to be a very successful engineer. [audience laughter] GRADUATE: Sir, after all
that wonderful training, I don’t know
how I can fail. I’m going right out
and build a bridge or a tunnel or something. [audience laughter] MR. HEATH: Try the knob. GRADUATE: Oh, yes, yes. [door opens] Say, that’s a handy
little gadget. [audience laughter] [men cackling] DEAN: A bridge… All he can build
is a bonfire. MR. HEATH: If he’s smart,
he’ll use that diploma. DEAN: If he was smart,
he wouldn’t be here to begin with, the sucker. Oh, well, another
graduate, another $200. [outer door closing] MR. HEATH: Professor
Treadway, I think we may be
getting a new student. DEAN: I hope
this one wants to be a brain surgeon. It’s our most
expensive course. [audience chuckling] [audience chuckling] [door opens]
(Clem hums noisily) [door opens]
(Clem hums noisily) [audience laughter] [audience laughter] DEAN: Well, how
do you do… DEAN: Well, how
do you do… DEAN: Well, how
do you do… (Clem hums obnoxiously) (Clem hums obnoxiously) DEAN: (clapping) That’s
a very nice tune! CLEM: Isn’t that nice? CLEM: Isn’t that nice? I wrote the words myself. I wrote the words myself. I don’t know who
did the lyrics. [audience laughter] MR. HEATH: I don’t
know if this guy wants to be a brain surgeon,
but he needs one. DEAN: Did you wish
to enroll for one of our courses, Mr… CLEM: Kadiddlehopper. Clem Kadiddlehopper. DEAN: How do you
spell that name? CLEM: C-L-E-M. Clem. [audience laughter] DEAN: No, I mean, How do
you spell Kadiddlehopper? CLEM: Wrong, every time. [audience laughter] (chuckling) I just
got that myself! [audience laughter] That’s too bad…
He didn’t even get it! [audience chuckling] You didn’t care much
for it either, did you? [audience laughter] DEAN: All right,
let’s get on with your application,
Mr. Kadiddlehopper. DEAN: We’ve got
to ascertain your scholastic requisite. CLEM: You wouldn’t dare! [audience laughter] MR. HEATH: Now,
take it easy, Clem. Professor Treadway
merely wants to know if you have
proof… that you’ve
been to school. CLEM: Oh, yes… I have PROOF. [audience laughter] I studied in PITTSBURGH. [audience laughter] Good thing I didn’t
say Mississippi. [audience laughter] Yes, I had a teacher,
boy, that really swung a wicked hickory stick. Of course, I can’t tell
you where she swung it. DEAN: What kind of
marks did you get? CLEM: Huh? DEAN: What kind of
marks did you get? CLEM: Black and blue. [audience laughter] She said she was going
to knock my brains out, but I think she had a
bad sense of direction. [audience laughter] Don’t you hit me! Don’t you hit me! DEAN: Mr. Kadiddlehopper…
[audience chuckling] DEAN: Mr. Kadiddlehopper…
[audience chuckling] Now here’s a list of the
courses that we give. CLEM: Oh? DEAN: Just pick any
profession that you like, Mr. Kadiddlehopper. CLEM: Oh, any of
them at all, huh? Do I cover my eye? Oh, no…that’s another
kind of a test, isn’t it? Well, this is going to
be rather tough, rather tough. DEAN: Why? CLEM: I can’t read! [audience laughter] MR. HEATH: Now we
know that Clem, MR. HEATH: Now we
know that Clem, why don’t you just
close your eyes why don’t you just
close your eyes and pick one blindfolded. CLEM: Oh, well, I
can leave them open CLEM: Oh, well, I
can leave them open and do that. and do that. Here, we’ll just– [grinding noise]
Ooooowwwwww! [audience chuckling] Boy, I think I
picked a tough one. [audience laughter] I picked surgery…I
just removed a finger. [audience laughter] MR. HEATH: You
better choose a different profession. CLEM: I can’t…I got
nothing else to point with! CLEM: I can’t…I got
nothing else to point with! [audience laughter] [audience laughter] [pop sound] [audience laughter] DEAN: You know,
Mr. Kadiddlehopper, I think that you might
make a very fine dentist. CLEM: A dentist? Say, that’s a good idea… Good idea!
DEAN: Yes, Good idea!
DEAN: Yes, DEAN: Now, I’d like
you to take these home DEAN: Now, I’d like
you to take these home and study them, and
we’ll expect you here tomorrow morning
for your final exam. CLEM: Really, huh?
A dentist… Boy, I’ll be good
at that, especially pulling uppers. DEAN: Especially uppers? CLEM: Yeah. I used to be the head boy
at the PET Milk Company. [audience laughter] ♪ CAPTAIN TURNER:
I see… Yes… And then when this doctor
removed your appendix for the third time…
you became suspicious? [audience laughter] Yes, well, I don’t
blame you, Madam. Yes, we’ll investigate
the situation right away. Thank you very much. DETECTIVE: Another
Treadway graduate? CAPTAIN TURNER:
Third complaint this week. We’ll soon have enough
evidence against them We’ll soon have enough
evidence against them to crack that phony
diploma mill wide open! to crack that phony
diploma mill wide open! DEAN: Now, listen, when
that idiot gets here, let’s see that he
passes his tests one way or the other. one way or the other. MR. HEATH: Right! MR. HEATH: Right! CLEM: (humming obnoxiously) [door closes] [clapping teeth]
[laughing] Very funny teeth. Very funny teeth! The upper said
to the lower, “We must be in
Capistrano… I feel another
swallow coming!” [audience laughter] Stop sneering, will ya? [audience laughter] Here, and an apple
for the teacher. An apple for the teacher. An apple for the teacher. DEAN: Well, thank you. DEAN: Well, thank you. CLEM: That’s
quite all right. DEAN: Are you prepared
for your examination? CLEM: Yes, sir, but I
gotta tell ya something. This dentistry
stuff is tough. Why, it’s like
pulling teeth! MR. HEATH: Now, let’s see
those dentures that we gave you yesterday. CLEM: Oh, the dentures,
here they are. CLEM: Oh, the dentures,
here they are. We– hey, hungry little
rascal, isn’t he, huh? We– hey, hungry little
rascal, isn’t he, huh? [audience laughter] DEAN: All right, let’s get
on with the examination. Sit down, please? Sit down, please? CLEM: Yes, sir, I’ll be very
happy– [thump] CLEM: Yes, sir, I’ll be very
happy– [thump] [audience laughter] DEAN: I meant,
on the chair. CLEM: Well, speak
up, speak up. [audience laughter] [audience laughter] I’m not a petty
officer, you know. I’m not a petty
officer, you know. [audience laughter] DEAN: For your
first question– CLEM: Yes? DEAN: Tell me,
how many teeth does a human being have? CLEM: Wait just a minute. Would you like to
see– would you Would you like to
see– would you like to see an imitation? like to see an imitation? Now, to you, that
don’t mean nothing, but it kept me out
of the service. but it kept me out
of the service. [audience laughter] [audience laughter] [applause] What is your question now? DEAN: Well, Clem,
I would like you to tell me
how many teeth does a human being have? CLEM: How many does
a human being have? Say, that’s a toughie… Say, that’s a toughie… I could tell you
how many I have! I could tell you
how many I have! [audience laughter] DEAN: That’ll
be close enough. DEAN: That’ll
be close enough. CLEM: Yeah. CLEM: Yeah. [audience laughter] You thought this
was gonna be You thought this
was gonna be like Playhouse 90
when you took it. like Playhouse 90
when you took it. [audience laughter] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,
8, uh, 9, 10, 11, 12? [audience laughter] DEAN: That all
the teeth you’ve got? CLEM: That’s all
the fingers I got. [audience laughter] Had to use two
toes with THAT. [audience chuckling] DEAN: Now, for your
final question. This concerns
operational procedure. CLEM: Oh, yeah? OK, let’s see now… That’s going to be
a real good one. That’s going to be
a real good one. DEAN: Just a minute,
I haven’t asked DEAN: Just a minute,
I haven’t asked you the question yet. CLEM: Well, that’s going
to be great, because even the questions stump me. [audience laughter] DEAN: Now, there are three
major types of fillings. We find that porcelain is
used on the front teeth– CLEM: Porcelain on
the front teeth. DEAN: That gold is used
in root canal work. CLEM: Root canal work. DEAN: Now tell me…tell
me where do we usually DEAN: Now tell me…tell
me where do we usually find silver? find silver? CLEM: Under the
Lone Ranger! [audience laughter] That tells you how
fast that Tonto is! MR. HEATH: Please…
CLEM: I’m glad you moved! You had me scared. [audience laughter] MR. HEATH: Give
him his diploma! CLEM: Yes, do that. CLEM: Yes, do that. DEAN: Clem Kadiddlehopper,
having fulfilled DEAN: Clem Kadiddlehopper,
having fulfilled all the requirements
of our course, I now grant you this
diploma and license to practice dentistry. CLEM: Well, this
is happy as I was the day I
got my section 8. [audience laughter] Isn’t that nice,
a diploma! Oh, you know, this
really touches me… Yeowwww! [audience laughter] How do you like that? Already, I’m a
dentist, and I’ve pulled my first teeth already. my first teeth already. [audience laughter
& applause] [audience laughter
& applause] ♪ [applause] ♪ I know my cue! [audience laughter] Well, I gotta
hang this diploma. That’s what I gotta do. [audience chuckling] Oh, let’s see now. Gotta be sanitary
about this, you know. Here we are… There we go. [audience laughter] Owwwww! Boy, that’s a hot
one, isn’t it? Boy, that’s a hot
one, isn’t it? Oh there’s…this
nail is no good. Oh there’s…this
nail is no good. ASSISTANT: Dr.
Kadiddlehopper? [bang]
[applause] [applause] Dr. Kadiddlehopper… Dr. Kadiddlehopper… CLEM: Say no more. CLEM: Say no more. Sit right down, sit
right down there. ASSISTANT: No, but you
don’t understand. ASSISTANT: No, but you
don’t understand. CLEM: Yes, I understand. CLEM: Yes, I understand. CLEM: Yes, I understand. ASSISTANT: I came
here to tell you– ASSISTANT: I came
here to tell you– CLEM: Just open– there you are.
[Assistant resisting] Hey, you got nice
teeth, but I’ll have to pull them out and
take a look at the roots. Assistant: Noooo! [audience laughter] You trying to
tell me something? ASSISTANT: I’m trying
to tell you that I’m your new assistant. The agency sent me over. CLEM: Oh, well, tell
them to send over some customers. That’s what I need. That’s what I need. ASSISTANT: Well, that’s what
I came in here to tell you. ASSISTANT: Well, that’s what
I came in here to tell you. CLEM: Oh, you did? ASSISTANT: There’s a
patient waiting outside. CLEM: Really?
ASSISTANT: Yes. CLEM: Send her in! Send her in!
ASSISTANT: All right. CLEM: These nails…
some of ’em got the heads on
the wrong ends. [audience laughter] [Clem humming] Send in the customer! PATIENT: Oh, Doctor,
I’m so glad to see you. You have no idea how
I’ve been suffering. This toothache has kept
me awake for a whole week… CLEM: Ohhhh, shut up! [audience laughter] Sure is a windy old
bird, isn’t she? Here you are. You sit right back there. I’ll have to pump you
up just a little there. Now, open your mouth
really wide there. [chair dropping down and
making crushing sound] Owwwww! Owwwwwww!
[audience laughter] [audience laughter] Thanks a lot,
Miss Skinny! [Assistant laughing] [audience laughter] PATIENT: Dr.
Kadiddlehopper, you’ve got to do something
about this pain! got to do something
about this pain! I can’t stand the
suffering anymore! I can’t stand the
suffering anymore! I can’t stand
the suffering– I can’t stand
the suffering– CLEM: Neither can
I. There we are. CLEM: Neither can
I. There we are. [audience laughter] There we are. ASSISTANT: Here. CLEM: What have we got? ASSISTANT:
That’s a mirror. You examine the
teeth with it. CLEM: Oh, examine
the teeth with it? ASSISTANT: Yes. CLEM: Oh, I see. CLEM: Good heavens,
that’s the worst set of teeth I’ve
ever seen in my life! What did they do,
fill ’em with coal? [audience laughter] Good heavens. Look at those fangs! Look at them fangs! ASSISTANT: Come here…
CLEM: You wanna see some fangs? ASSISTANT: Come here. Turn the mirror around. CLEM: What for? ASSISTANT: You’re looking
at your own teeth. [audience laughter] CLEM: No wonder
they’re so bad. I only paid $1 for them. They’re buck teeth!
[audience laughter] Buck teeth, you know! Buck teeth. Oh, say, that’s
the worst cavity I’ve ever seen in my life. ASSISTANT: Where? CLEM: Right there
that big round tooth with a hole in it. ASSISTANT: Doctor,
that’s a lifesaver. [audience laughter] CLEM: Well, we’ll
get it out of there. ASSISTANT: That
is unsanitary! CLEM: Well, I’m
not gonna eat it! CLEM: Well, I’m
not gonna eat it! [audience laughter] [audience laughter] For heaven’s sake,
let me get you For heaven’s sake,
let me get you where I can work on
you a little bit here. where I can work on
you a little bit here. [snap] ASSISTANT: Doctor…Doctor!
[audience laughter] [audience laughter] [crunching sound] [crash of bricks] [audience laughter] CLEM: This is the
wrong time! [audience laughter] Say, come down
out of there! DEAN: All right,
hurry it up. We’ve got to get out. The cops are
on the way up. MR. HEATH: I told
you we should have left yesterday. DEAN: I wanted to see if
I couldn’t sell a few more diplomas. diplomas. MR. HEATH: Yeah,
yeah, well, let’s go. MR. HEATH: Yeah,
yeah, well, let’s go. Let’s go. DEAN: All right. [door opens] CAPTAIN TURNER: Going
somewhere, gentlemen? DEAN: Yes, as a matter
of fact, we are! MR. HEATH: Yes, we’re
going up to San Francisco to open up a branch of
Treadway University. CAPTAIN TURNER: You’re
going to San Francisco, all right…but
you’re going to spend the next few
semesters at Alcatraz. DETECTIVE: You’re
little diploma mill is going to stop grinding. DEAN: Now, just a
minute, gentlemen. I’ll have you know that
Treadway University is a legitimate
institution of learning and not a diploma mill. All of our graduates
are fully qualified. CAPTAIN TURNER:
Oh, they are, eh? DEAN: Yes! CAPTAIN TURNER: Like that
Dr. Clem Kadiddlehopper? MR. HEATH: Well,
what about him? CAPTAIN TURNER: We
just got a complaint from a woman that he tried
to pull her tooth out. DEAN: Well, what’s
wrong with pulling out a woman’s tooth? CAPTAIN TURNER:
Through the ear? [audience laughter] DEAN: I don’t know what
you’re talking about. All I know is that Dr.
Kadiddlehopper graduated at the head of his class. Why, he’s the kind of a
dentist I’d go to myself. CAPTAIN TURNER: Ohhh! Oh, you would, eh? DEAN: Yes. I… Now just a minute… CAPTAIN TURNER: We’ll
set up an appointment right away for you! [commotion] [audience laughter] CLEM: I gotta get
this diploma hung. Last time I did it,
that nurse came in just as I started
to drive the nail, and she opened the door– ASSISTANT: Oh, doctor– [smash]
CLEM: OWWWWW! [audience laughter] Wait ’till I get this thing
hung up here, will ya? There, that outta do it. There we are! [audience laughter] What’s up? ASSISTANT: There are
a couple of gentlemen outside to see you. CLEM: They got teeth? ASSISTANT: Yep. CLEM: Send ’em in. CLEM: Send ’em in. ASSISTANT: All right. ASSISTANT: All right. [audience laughter] Come in, gentlemen. CLEM: You didn’t know
your cue either, huh? [audience laughter] Well, Professor Treadway! DEAN: I’d like you to
meet a friend of mine, Mr. Turner. CLEM: Oh, I hope your
daughter wins the Academy Award. [audience laughter] CAPTAIN TURNER:
Dr. Kadiddlehopper, Professor Treadway
has such confidence in your ability, that
he has chosen you as his own
personal dentist. CLEM: Oh…now…Dr.
Treadway, you’ll never live
to regret this! DEAN: That’s what
I’m afraid of. CAPTAIN TURNER: All
right, sit right down. Give him a
complete check up. CLEM: Yep! Complete check up! Complete check up! DEAN: There’s nothing
wrong with my teeth! DEAN: There’s nothing
wrong with my teeth! CLEM: Oh, well,
open your mouth. DEAN: No! CLEM: Open your mouth! DEAN: No! CLEM: Well, you don’t want
to– close your eyes, will ya? DEAN: Well, why should
I close my eyes? CLEM: You don’t want to
see this bloody mess, do ya? [audience laughter] Come on, open your mouth. Open your mouth. DEAN: No! CLEM: I’ll have to
use psychology on him. CLEM: I’ll have to
use psychology on him. [crack]
DEAN: OWWW! [crack]
DEAN: OWWW! [audience laughter] CLEM: Why, his
teeth are perfect! Those are the most
beautiful chompers I’ve ever seen in my life. Absolutely nothing
wrong with his teeth! They’re perfect! But your gums have
got to come out. [audience laughter] CAPTAIN TURNER: Dr.
Kadiddlehopper, I thought you were going
to drill Professor Treadway’s tooth? CLEM: No, I’m going to pull
them out, and then drill. The light’s
better out here. [audience laughter] Just hold still. It’ll only take a minute. [Dean Treadway
groaning in pain] Say, nurse? ASSISTANT: Yes? CLEM: Do teeth stretch? ASSISTANT: Well,
no, Doctor. CLEM: Then I
got his tongue. [audience laughter] He can breathe! [audience laughter] Now just hold still there now!
[Dean groaning in pain] Only be a minute here. Only a minute. Only a minute. [wet pop]
There you go! [wet pop]
There you go! [audience laughter] Well, that takes care
of the supper crowd back east. [audience laughter] “Here they are Sapphire,
[doing an imitation] take these down
to…” [audience laughter] [audience laughter] CAPTAIN TURNER:
Dr. Kadiddlehopper… do you have gas? CLEM: Do what? CAPTAIN TURNER:
Do you have gas? CLEM: A little bit, yeah. [audience laughter] I think it’s them
hard-boiled eggs and spinach I’ve
been eating. [audience chuckling] That’s what gets
me every time. ASSISTANT: Doctor,
he means this gas for extraction of teeth. CLEM: What is it? ASSISTANT:
It’s called laughing gas. CLEM: Laughing gas? ASSISTANT: Yes, it’s a
gas that makes you laugh. CLEM: Oh, well thank
heavens, medical science has now found the
cure for Ed Sullivan. [audience laughter] Here, now, now, just
lay back and start counting to 10 real slow. Hey, hey, wait a minute! Hey, it blew up! Watch it!
[gas tube hissing] It’s still alive!
[Assistant screaming] Watch it! Here!
[gas tube hissing] [gas tube hissing] [whack] [audience laughter]
[gas tube hissing] Here, here…here…
What are you doing? [gas tube hissing] [audience laughter]
[gas tube hissing] [audience laughter
& applause] [audience laughter] CAPTAIN TURNER:
Professor Treadway, I’m arresting you for
12 different counts of embezzlement,
fraud, and malpractice. [all laughing] You’ll go to Alcatraz
for 20 years! [all laughing] DEAN: If I go to
Alcatraz for 20 years, I’ll never get out! CLEM: You’re gonna
give him 20 years? CAPTAIN TURNER: Yes… You’re gonna get 30
years for malpractice! [all laughing] Come on, let’s go. Come on, let’s go. CLEM: Wait just a minute,
just a minute. CLEM: Wait just a minute,
just a minute. This is the last
part of this thing… As long as we’ve got
some laughing gas here, let’s give some to
the audience too. [audience laughter]
[gas tube hissing] ♪ [applause] [applause] [parrot squawks] [applause] RED: Well, beings that
we have the Seabees here tonight, I can’t fool
you folks any longer. This is not
really a parrot… It’s a seagull sunburned. [audience laughter] We would like to thank
the makers of PET Milk for making our
visit possible and remind you that they
bring you the Red Skelton program two
weeks from now. The um… [audience laughter] Next week will
be brought to you by our alternate
sponsors, the makers of Johnson’s Wax, who
also bring you the “Steve Allen Show.” Now, I want you to say
“thanks to PET Milk.” Come on! Say “thanks to PET Milk.” Real pretty like. Come on! Remember the birds,
remember the birds! The one’s they eat! Yeahhhhhh! [audience laughter] Come on,
here you go. Come on,
here you go. Come on, come on… Come on, come on… Get down, get down! ♪ [applause]
[Red screaming] ANNOUNCER: PET
Milk Company, ANNOUNCER: PET
Milk Company, makers of double rich
PET evaporated milk, makers of double rich
PET evaporated milk, ♪ [applause] and instant
non-fat dry milk, ♪ [applause] and Pet-Ritz frozen pies. ♪ [applause] Brought to you “The
Red Skelton Show.” ♪ [applause] Produced by Cecil Barker. Directed by Seymour Burns. Written by
Sherwood Schwartz, Jesse Goldstein, Dave
O’Brien, Red Skelton. This station joins
in congratulating the youngest arm of
it’s Navy, the Seabees, on their 16th
anniversary celebration this week at the home of
the Pacific Seabees, Port Hueneme. Portions of the preceding
program were prerecorded. This is Art
Gilmore speaking.

11 Replies to “The Red Skelton Show – Clem the Dentist (Fully Closed Captioned)”

  1. I know I'm going to sound like that movie sins guy but they say there was an option for brain surgeon but at 11:05 it's not on the list the brain surgery part was a setup gag i guess

  2. Amanda Blake's first appearance is one of the cutest I've ever seen. She bows to the audience like a schoolgirl. I love the way she cracks up. I can't make out what Red says when she first cracks up. I also love the way she speaks the absurd line, "You can't eat that, it's not sanitary!" and Red says in his inimitable voice, "I'm not going to eat it!"

    This is by far one of the best written of the Skelton shows. Some shows do not reach the level of inspiration this one does, with almost every line and visual business great. "I bet you thought this was going to be Playhouse 90!"

  3. Live in full color! I see everyone and everything in black and white. Dr do you have β›½ gas? Do I have what. Do you have β›½ gas? Yeah little bit it's those hard boiled eggs and spinach that I been eating. He's was terrible but yet everyone loves Red Skelton. At least I have several πŸ“€ DVD of Red Skelton episodes. At the end of each show, he would say Good night and may God bless. Nowadays you can't sat that, they would say Separate church from state.

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