The Things Dr Bright is not allowed to do at the SCP Foundation


The Things Doctor Bright is not allowed to do at the SCP Foundation Dr. Bright is not allowed to feed anything
with peanut butter to Kain. Telling new researchers that you can tame
SCP-682 with a rolled up newspaper and a tummy rub is right out. No longer allowed to challenge Able to unwinnable
games like tic-tac-toe. It was three weeks before Able conceded a
draw. SCP-018 is not to be taunted! Giving 113 to Diogenes is just plain pointless. Attempting to disprove 343, to 343, is a horrible
idea. Agents are still studying the resulting paperweight,
supposedly so heavy that 343 should not be able to lift it. While it is true that “No one expects the
SCP Inquisition!”, that is only because there is no such thing. Dr. Bright is not king of anywhere. Or queen. SCP-963 is not to be used for recreational
or procreational purposes. Although it is entirely possible to use SCPs
currently under control of the Foundation to create tentacle monsters, no. Not even if Dr. Palmer asks nicely. There is no market for SCP brand pornography. No, not even in Germany. Should not replace the buckshot in Dr. Clef’s
shotgun shells with any of the following: birdseed, confetti, cake sprinkles, sawdust,
or glitter. The Better Business Bureau is not the correct
agency for dealing with containment failures from horrible eldritch artifacts sold by Marshall,
Carter, and Dark. Victims of SCP-217 are not toys. Nor are they to be used as props at a Steampunk
Convention. Dr. Bright is not allowed to bargain with
personnel for their “souls.”Not even if he can get them a good deal. Don’t let Dr. Bright get a sample of SCP-379. Let my laptop be the last victim. Not allowed to go off my medication. May not use any form of the word ‘accident’
as an excuse. Violate the dress code, even on ‘casual’ Fridays. No matter how many times you say please, Dr.
Bright, we won’t put any of the hats you’ve been asking about into the dress code. If an SCP file says never to do something,
it is not because we want to control your mind. Yes it is. No, it’s not, and Dr. Bright may not edit
this document. SCP-437 is not to be handed out as weaponry
to unsuspecting new researchers. [DATA REDACTED ON O5 REQUEST]. Not even for recreational use. Not allowed to send Nigerian-esque spam email
to the Church of the Broken God. Not allowed to lead a Mobile Task Force against
the UIU under any circumstances. without inviting Dr. Clef at all. In fact, just stay 500 feet away from any
Mobile Task Force at all times. Not allowed to end reports with lyrics from
“The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”. But is allowed to end with lyrics from the
Safety Dance. The interpretive dance routine, however, is
forbidden until he gets lessons for the foreseeable future. Dr. Bright is not allowed anywhere near a
Renaissance Festival. Especially not with D-class in garb. SCP-963 is not a joy buzzer. If a mind-controlling SCP is discovered, it
is to be turned over to the proper authorities. It is not to be used to advance himself or
others higher in the Foundation. Kondraki
Dr. Bright is NOT: A superhero of any sort, Head of Public Relations, in charge of Orientation
for new staff, a doctor of psychology, a member of Site Command, made out of bacon, in possession
of a IQ over 300, Head of SCP Review, or a member of Maintenance Staff. (Sorry boys, Dr. Bright IS a member of Site
Command. It’s usually best not to ask why. It’s O5 Command you’re thinking of.) There is no Ethics Committee. And even if there was, does anyone believe
Dr. Bright would be on it? As anything other than a ‘What not to do?’ No longer allowed to make up jodies for morning
calisthenics. Yes, this includes The Mickey Mouse Club song. Dr. Bright is not allowed to apply SCP-963
to any major political figures. Again. Dr. Bright is not from an alternate timeline. Dr. Bright cannot issue orders to “preserve
the timeline”. Or to “corrupt the timeline”. Or to “screw with those history nerds”. Dr. Bright is not allowed to challenge anyone
to a duel, and then give them SCP-572. Dr. Bright is not allowed near SCP-5555-J
in any way or any excuse. Remember what the miniature version did to
Dr. L██████. Dr. Clef and Dr. Bright are not allowed to
interact without the presence of a responsible administrator. Dr. Kondraki does not count as a responsible
administrator. Nor does Agent Strelnikov. Or Dr. Mann. In fact, let’s just keep the two of them apart,
period. Chainsaws are not the solution to every question. Nor is ‘More Chainsaws’. Or “Chainsaw cannons”
Except for that one time. And yes, it was awesome. SCP speed dating never happened. Any one who claims to remember such an event
should report to Site Command for administration of Class A amnesiac. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use any SCP to
alter or affect the outcomes of any reality based television shows, including but not
limited to Survivor, Big Brother, Hell’s Kitchen, American Idol, or any dating show on VH1. Not even if Dr. Rights asks nicely. Dr. Bright is not allowed to administer spankings
to Dr. Rights as punishment, as it only causes more rules to be broken. No, it doesn’t matter that they are both “consenting
adults”, no matter how much either of them argue otherwise. Dr. Rights is not allowed to spank the monkey. Nor is she allowed to shock the monkey. Or anything else related to the monkey. SCP-082 is not to be given song requests,
especially not “Like A Virgin”. “Accidentally” spilling green gelatin on a
dead body in the presence of the O5 was funny exactly once, and the smell of excrement exuding
from O5-2’s khakis spoiled the moment. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to utter the
phrase “More than 1,000 babies” in the presence of any SCP personnel. Nothing in the Foundation is rated ‘Over 9000.’ Stop posting classified information on 4-chan. No using SCP-705 for personal gain. Or to plant monitoring equipment. And absolutely no giving them tons of extra
Play-Doh ‘just to see what they can make.’ That Mecha was damned annoying! If it involves doing something wrong, it isn’t
right. If it involves something right, you did it
wrong. If Dr. Bright has to ask, it’s above his clearance
level. If it’s above Bright’s security clearance…
run. Dr. Bright is not allowed to declare war on
any country, thing or person. Foundation credit cards or expense accounts
are not to be used to purchase pornography. Not even anomalous pornography. Dr. Bright is not a “marital aid” and cannot
refer to himself as such. Especially on official documents. Dr. Bright is not the Lord of Rodly Might. And is hereby banned from playing Dungeons
and Dragons making use of SCPs to ‘simulate the real danger.’ Dr. Bright is not allowed to go to fan conventions. Let alone use them as recruitment drives. Especially not at Furry Conventions. When writing a report, more detail is expected
than “Object class: Keter. Special Containment Procedures: [DATA EXPUNGED]. Description: [DATA EXPUNGED].” And inventing new security clearances just
so nobody can see what you’ve written is also considered poor form. Showing Monty Python episodes to SCP-239 was
not a wise decision. Please never try this with any other reality
warping SCP. “For the Emperor” is not an acceptable justification
for any decision. “My evil twin did it” is no longer considered
a viable excuse. Nor is “My good twin did it,” considering
the implications. Yes, forum trolls are annoying. No, they don’t automatically become D-class
personnel. Not allowed to lace ‘orgasm muffins’ with
Ex-lax. Again. Dr. Bright is not allowed to send e-mails
with memetic hazards attached. Not even when replying to spam. The “Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny”
is not grounds to pit more than fifteen combative SCPs, including SCP-682 and Able, against
each other. “Weeding out some of these angsty teens with
attitude problems,” however, is. Dr. Bright is not allowed to administer ‘Free
Hugs.’ Not allowed to kick SCP-2558-J.
Not allowed to play dodgeball with SCP-2558-J Not allowed to play any type of ball game
with SCP-2558-J. Any proposal which includes the phrase ‘Metric
Fuck Load’ is straight out denied. Instances of SCP-2558-J-Ex are not to be spooked
when being held by members of O5. No instances of SCP-2558-J should be anywhere
near an O5, let alone SCP-2558-J-Ex. The Foundation motto is “Secure, Contain,
Protect”, not any of the following: “Stab Carrion Powerfully”
“Let’s use it on 682!” “Throw the cheese!” “That’s it, you’re on Keter Duty.” “Can we put it in 914?” “Blood makes the grass grow, kill, kill, kill!” “Fuck trees, I climb clouds motherfucker!” “Someone is getting stabbed.” But some days, it should be. “Whose hand is that?” “If all else fails, poop on it.” “If all else fails, there’s always the sun.” “We need bigger kittens.” “Society of Creepy Perverts.” “Fuck Death, War, Famine and Pestilence. We’ve got Clef, Gears, Kondraki and Bright.” “Throw D-Class at it until it stops.” “447 and dead bodies, two great tastes that
taste great together.” “The FBI are a bunch of pansies.” “Who wants to see what I can make the president
do in public?” “For the Horde!” “Science for the Science God!” “Make sure to wipe your feet on 2558!” “When in doubt, feed it to 682.” “Slapstick, Clowns and Puns”
“Drop the blanket now!” “Seduction, Coitus, and Pregnancy”
“We always need more Dakka!” “Still Alive, and Found the Cake”
“Don’t Worry, O5 won’t ever figure it out!” “Will it blend?” “Commies love us!” “Snap Crackle and Pop”
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to play “Hippocratic Oath Chicken” with the medical staff. A full minute of stunned silence means “My
God what did you do?” not “Please continue.” Pranks placed into new staff’s desks are not
funny because they “liquefied in record time.” Attempts to use Foundation radio telescopes
to contact omniscient and omnipotent extraterrestrial entities will result in a bill for any damage
to local space-time, including the cost of demoting objects to dwarf planet status. Despite his doctoral degree, Dr. Bright is
not allowed to either prescribe or administer any of the following:
enemas homeopathic remedies
any sort of medication free hugs
the healing power of laughter sexual healing
‘more cowbell’ Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to offer the
solution of “Use more guns” to any problem. Or “Get bigger guns.” Despite what he may say and any evidence,
no matter how plausible, the SCP Foundation has never and will never be associated with
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and regardless of what Dr. Bright may say,
he is not, and I quote, “A real life wizarding tutor.” Nor is he a vampire. That was body glitter and bad acting. And despite what the computer file on him
may say, he is not Muad’dib. The spice can flow just fine without him. The “Tamlin House School of Witchcraft and
Wizardry” is just a plain bad idea. Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation
of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason. No, this does not logically imply that anyone
is ethically obligated to demonstrate the existence of breasts under laboratory conditions. If Dr. Bright is ever found under the influence
of any recreational substance, he must immediately be contained under level 15 containment. If you want to know why, please refer to the
security tapes for ██/██/████ between the hours of ██:██ am and ██:██ pm. If Dr. Bright is found deliberately getting
high to get out of paperwork, he is to be placed in a Type 4 cell and hosed down with
cold water from a pressurised hose for no less than 5 minutes. Maybe this will teach you that drugs are bad,
m’kay? Cthulhu and R’lyeh are not valid reasons to
send Pandora’s Box out into the Pacific Ocean in order to capture them. Furthermore, these are not even SCPs, and
I will find the person who decided to enter a database file for them. Dr. Bright is not allowed to upload visual
memetic kill agents to 4chan 7chan any imageboard. Well, okay, maybe to 4chan. It’d be doing the gene pool a service. Dr. Bright cannot change the standard issue
D-Class uniform to black pants with a red polo shirt. I see your reasoning, but we just don’t want
to be associated with Star Trek. No matter how many times he may claim it,
no matter how many uniforms we may confiscate, Dr. Bright is not a ninja, nor has he ever
been. No. Not even if he uses SCP-281 to do it. There are no security codes for:
Zombie conga line Badass hat
Vampire can-can Disco corpse
Intense homoeroticism Extreme crotch violence
Man disguised as a palm tree Man with porn ‘stache
Kung fu rasta Puppy-eating monks
Justifiable homicide of all you dumb ass mother humpers. Bright Family Reunion (Code Brown. Find a place to hide, and make sure you leave
an offering of booze outside your door.) Dr. Kondraki beach party. Just because Bright is a doctor does not mean
that he is the Doctor, no matter how many British men he possesses. No, SCP-963 is not proof against this. Nor is any structure that results from placing
SCP-184 inside of a police call box. Adopting female members of the staff and calling
them “companions” is right out. SCP-297 is NOT a sonic screwdriver. The Doctor who? While humour can be an effective way to improve
staff morale, it is highly inappropriate to make “Your mum” jokes in the vicinity of SCP-597. Dr. Bright may not classify any researcher,
including himself, as a memetic hazard. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to accept
or use the following as payment for bets: Your soul
Anyone else’s soul Virgin’s blood
Reproductive organs SCPs
Memories (real or imagined) Pieces of your past I have no idea how that
worked with Clef, but apparently he can do it. The island of Manhattan
Beads Firstborn children
Second-born children Red-headed stepchildren
Rented mules Gold spun from straw
A child’s laughter A child’s tears
Virginity Ponies
Anyone’s grandmother Anyone’s grandfather
Anyone’s sister Any blood relative
No matter how many times he photoshops himself into a picture of SCP-682, and no matter how
many Australians he possesses, Bright is not, and
never was, the “Crocodile Hunter”. Nor does every SCP/D-Class “really hate it
when you jam your thumb up their bum.” And he is not allowed to do that “Right naow!” As funny as Incident 387/682-██ was, Dr.
Bright is not allowed unsupervised access to SCP-387. Researchers are still trying to figure out
how an animate model of 682 was so invulnerable, despite only being made of just plastic blocks. Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell new researchers
experimenting on SCP-168 to divide by zero, find the square root of negative one, or find
the last digit of pi using the SCP. Dr. ██████ is still comatose,
and 168 itself is quite displeased with the event. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use examples
from Star Trek when administering Turing tests to artificial intelligences of any sort. Computer hardware does not grow on trees,
dammit! Dr. Bright is not allowed to plant SCP-2383-J
into science labs. We’re still picking up complaints from the
office of Stephen Hawking. No, not even for the good of “SCIENCE”
Or even as “Science for the Science God”. Dr. Bright is also not allowed to refer to
himself as such either. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-587 to
re-enact the locker scene from Men In Black, nor play Godzilla with its inhabitants. Nor is he allowed to set himself up as a god
to them. Testing between SCP-786 and SCP-587 is also
banned. “David and Goliath” scenarios are just as
harmful to its inhabitants as the Godzilla incident. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-786 to
simulate “Dwarf Fortress”. Dr. Bright is not allowed to show SCP-682
any of the following: any Uwe Boll movies
The Room Troll 2
Manos: The Hands of Fate movies considered “so bad they’re good”
movies considered “cult classics” you know what, Dr. Bright is just not allowed
to show SCP-682 any movies at all, ever. Dr. Bright is not allowed to claim SCP-014-J
has “Breached Containment” and then leave a dining fork in the hallway. Dr. Bright is not O5-█-J. No such position
exists at this time. Dr. Bright is not allowed to give SCP-239
a copy of any Harry Potter books. What did you do? Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-141 to
give people parking tickets. Dr. Bright is not allowed to send anything
into the past, future, or to alternate dimensions. Dr. Bright is not allowed to accuse people
of being duplicates of himself with the intention of having them terminated, unless they actually
are duplicates of himself. Dr. Clef is not allowed to convince people
Dr. Bright is a copy of him. Dr. Bright may not put “A cup of orgasm” from
SCP-294 through SCP-914 on the Very Fine setting. Dr. Bright may not use SCP-294 to create a
“cup of memetic orgasm” and use it on worldwide television. Dr. Bright is not permitted to use SCP-294
to create orgasms of any kind, memetic, sentient or otherwise. Given the results of requesting a cup of “Dear
God No”, Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to use SCP-294 directly or outside of approved
testing. Given that he asked another staff member to
request a “Cup of Explodium” from SCP-294 to “see what would happen”, Dr. Bright is
not allowed to ask other staff members to access SCPs for him, no matter how instructive,
funny or helpful the results would be. The only exception to this is SCP-963. Dr. Bright is not allowed to make, accept,
or take a rake-off on, bets concerning XK-class End-of-the-World Scenarios. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed access to
SCP-732 infected documents along with SCP-239. MTF-Lambda-2 has been dispatched to contain
“Chowderclef”. Dr. Bright is not allowed to organize, authorize,
or create in any form, a “Foundation Demolition Derby, starring SCPs 2383-J, 708, 666-J, 2558-J,
1543-J, 2041-J, 2103-J, 968, 462, 115, and 225 for the grand finale” No.. just no. Not even if you try to throw in 682 trying
to disguise it as a termination attempt. Dr. Bright is not allowed to get on the PA
system at site 19 and announce that he just won The Game You know what, Dr. Bright is
just never allowed on the PA system for any reason, ever. Dr. Bright is not allowed to request access
to all cubical SCPs to make a fort of any kind. Dr. Bright is not allowed to play “hot potato”
with SCP-963. Dr. Bright is not allowed to arrange, schedule,
advertise, promote, or sell tickets to, “cage matches” between Able and SCP-682 any SCPs. We don’t care HOW many O5’s agree to it and
how many precedents there are, Dr Bright is not allowed a pet SCP. Dr. Bright is not allowed to combine a cadaver
infected with SCP-008 with SCP-217. Dr.’s Bright and Clef are no longer allowed
to engage in research any activity involving 40 gallons more than a pound any amount of
superballs. Also, the aforementioned are not to convince
blackmail compel D-Class personnel anybody into conducting such activities for them. “Challenge Accepted” is not a valid excuse
for anything. Dr Bright is not allowed to lease out SCP-002,
even especially if he includes the option to buy. Dr. Bright is not allowed to dress up as Joseph
Stalin and ambush Agent Strelnikov in the hallways. Actually, Dr. Bright shouldn’t be allowed
to dress up as any Communist dictator, there’s no way it could end well. Dr. Bright is not to be allowed access to
the cafeteria menu more than a day in advance six hours in advance at all, nor is he to
get anyone else to access it for him, directly or indirectly. Dr. Bright is not allowed to introduce small
children to the “the Giving Tree.” Dr. Bright is not allowed to ‘borrow’ SCP-159
for his office. Dr. Bright is not allowed near any carbonated
beverages while in possession of Mentos-branded mints. The last time that happened, he somehow managed
to cause an earthquake in the East Coast of the United States. Dr. Bright is not allowed to claim responsibility
for earthquakes and other natural disasters unless he is actually responsible for them. Dr. Bright is not allowed to dare new personnel
anyone to play ‘peek-a-boo’ with either SCP-569 or SCP-173. When ordering things online, send them to
PO Box ████ and not directly to Site 19. We’ve already had three postmen show up at
the front door. (How did they even find us?) Dr. Bright is not to give directions to Site
19 to non-Foundation personnel. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to give navigational
directions to Site 19 anywhere, even especially to Foundation personnel. The SCP Foundation does not have any such
position as “Chief Defenestrator”. Wrong. Agent Clef is not allowed to create new positions. Any proposed containment procedure that includes
the phrase “Giant Robot” is to be automatically rejected. Excessive force is not the same as the Force,
therefore using it does not make Dr. Bright a Jedi. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-914 to
craft items from Team Fortress 2. Yes, a Medigun would be a useful tool for
the Foundation medical staff. No, we are not going to waste any more SCP-500
attempting to make one, especially not after SCP-427. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-914 to
craft items from Minecraft, either. Also, your “Diamond Pickaxe” has been confiscated. Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell future hosts
that “You are about to become very Bright”. And he can’t tell anyone that “Possession
is nine-tenths of the law”. Dr. Bright is not allowed to refer to D-class
personnel as “extra lives”. Dr. Bright is not allowed to send SCP-1004
over an email message. No matter the electricity savings, no product
of SCP-158 is to be used for illumination. SCP-001 is not Dr. Bright’s penis. The hammer is not his penis. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use his genitals
for construction purposes. Dr. Bright possesses the ability of consciousness
transfer and the artifact SCP-963. He does not possess any of the following:
“laser” eyes. “laser” nostrils. “laser” [REDACTED]. a Green Red ANY Lantern Ring.
an “adamantium” skeleton. Anduril. Mjolnir. a map leading to “ALL OF THE NAZI GOLD”. the “Ancient” medallion. a copy of the Necronomicon. A King James version of the Necronomicon. cybernetic implants of any kind. the “Dragonzord”. I don’t care how you did it, put it BACK.
the 7th Element of Harmony. infallible “gaydar”. infallible “jewdar”. the touch. the power. the “secret”
telepathy. telekinesis. the original filming model of any fictional
spacecraft. 1337 H4x00r sKi11z. the 6th sense. The ability to distinguish between butter
and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. If Dr. Bright’s current form is sighted near
an armory without express permission, initiate Evacuation Procedure ███-██.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to test SCP-826 with his self-authored comic book entitled
“Dr. Bright and the 79 Virgins” Playboy magazines anything. #%^&@Dr. Bright iz a genius! Second best only to meh! he & I are buds lolz!#$%^
Dr. Bright is not allowed to give SCP-732 access to this document. Dr. Bright is not allowed to give any SCP
access to this document without O5 approval. Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell new D-Class
personnel that SCP-439 has escaped into the barracks. Dr. Bright is not allowed to convince other
personnel that they are actually Dr. Bright. Dr. Bright is not allowed to challenge SCP-082
to a drinking contest. (Even if he’s positive he can win.) We have never had a Jamaican Vacation Giveaway,
Dr. Bright is not in charge of it, and SCP-342 is not the official Foundation Travel Voucher. Dr. Bright is not allowed access to SCP-243
except under strict supervision. I think we all remember the great marital-aid
migration of 2011. Dr. Bright is not allowed to challenge Dr.
Gerald to a race involving any sort of vehicle. Dr. Bright is not allowed to challenge Dr.
Gerald to a race involving anything. Dr. Bright is not allowed to access the IT
department hotline access the IT department database access any networking equipment belonging
to the IT department. Dr. Bright is not to bring samples of SCP-1361
to Foundation potlucks, barbeques, or charity food drives. SCP-963 is not a ‘soul gem’, and making a
contract with Dr. Bright will not turn you into a ‘magical girl’. Not even if he includes a ‘magical girl outfit’. SCP-963 is not the Soul Gem. Bright does not have access to the Infinity
Gauntlet. Please stop glaring at people who annoy you
and snapping. SCP-137 is never to be used on sex toys. Under no circumstances is Dr. Bright allowed
to expose SCP-137 to Warhammer 40K minifigures. Again. Not even in an attempt to terminate SCP-682. Or anything made by Wondertainment. Not allowed to have Able get into arguments
with forum trolls. Dr. Bright is not allowed to go trick-or-treating,
ever. Able is not Kratos. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to produce,
create or remind staff of “SCP Robot Wars”. Copies of SCP-1981 are not to be submitted
to “America’s Funniest Home Videos”. Or posted on YouTube. Or on YouPorn. Or to Tosh.0. Dr. Bright is not allowed to “Just Say No!”
to O5 orders on the grounds that they are instances of SCP-5200-J.
Dr. Bright is also not allowed to refer to O5 Command MTF commanders the Janitor any
Foundation personnel as “the cool kids”. Dr. Bright is not the “final boss” of anything. Dr. Bright has not “won the internet” and
is not authorized to declare that any other individual has done so. Nor is he allowed to claim or distribute instances
of SCP-335 under said premise. Dr. Bright is not to show junior staffers
his ‘cutie mark’. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-137 on
any Hasbro product. Dr. Bright is not allowed to “take SCP-1187
for a morning ride”. Dr. Bright is not allowed to submit any incident
reports to the Darwin Awards. Not even if you are sure it would win. Dr. Bright is not allowed to teach SCP-1370
to play multiplayer video games. It was not an improvement giving it the vocabulary
of the average preteen ████ player, or introducing it to the concept of “teabagging.” The eye-pods do not need hats, bow ties or
any other form of clothing. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use expunged
data in SCP reports as “mad-libs.” Robo-Dude is not a piece of the Broken God. Dr. Bright is not allowed to create an anatomically-correct
body pillow modeled after SCP-173, SCP-105, SCP-999-J, SCP-076-02, or Dr. Crow. The following are not appropriate sources
for D-class personnel: Temp agencies. Craigslist. Reality show talent pools. Jerry Springer tapings. “Orphans.” “Urchins.” “Ragamuffins.” “Those sons of bitches who scratched up my
paint job at the car wash.” Ex-girlfriends. Ex-boyfriends. Ex-partners of any gender variation whatsoever. Staff members’ in-laws. Youtube comment threads. Forum trolls. Angsty teens. Bad applications to the SCP Foundation. Two exceptions have been made, but the rest
are off limits. Occupy Wall Street. The Tea Party. The Green Party. The “Green” Party. The Gathering of the Juggalos. How the fuck do they work? The following items are not SCPs:
Rainbows. Double rainbows. “Rainbooms”, whether sonic or otherwise. The tides. The Moon. “Fucking magnets”. Rocks that skip three times before they go
underwater. Soy cheese. Hippies. Hipsters. “MILFs.” “G-MILFs.” “GG-MILFs.” “Actually funny SNL skits” As these do not
exist, they cannot be SCPs. Anyone’s breasts. People who can solve Rubik’s Cubes (of any
size). Shiny Any Pokemon. Nobody ever refers to Dr. Bright as “Tim”
and he is no longer allowed to introduce new personnel to SCP-524. The platypus is not an SCP. No, really. No, not even an -EX. Dr. Bright is not allowed to test internet
“Creepypasta” rites using Class-D personal. SCP-963 is not a “Millennium” item. Dr. Bright should refrain from trying to convince
SCP-237 to become a “Brony”. Not even to improve his disposition. For that matter, trying to make SCP-042 a
Brony will just make things worse. Putting an equine, no matter how small, through
SCP-914 on very fine again is strictly forbidden. No you cannot keep it. The answer to a containment breach is never
to “recruit a team of teenagers with attitude”. Or to “send five rings to five special young
people”. Or to ask junior staffers if they are “bad
enough dudes” to contain the breach. Dr. Bright is not allowed to claim he “has
been trained to conquer galaxies”. Dr. Bright may not attempt to neutralize SCP-682
using “the Power of Friendship”, “the Power of Love”, or any other sort of “Power” which
has not been proven to actually exist. Dr. Bright does not remind anyone of “the
babe with the power of voodoo”, and is not allowed to tell anyone else that they remind
him of same. The Chaos Insurgency has no interest in “summoning
Daemons to the material universe to serve the Ruinous Powers of Chaos” and therefore,
Dr. Bright is not permitted to inform new researchers otherwise. Dr. Bright is not allowed to write a SCP-582
account in order to deal with junior staff members who get on his nerves. Dr. Bright is not allowed to stick refrigerator
magnets to Foundation equipment SCP-914 SCP-882 SCP-217 victims piece of the Broken God Any
magnetic objects within Foundation control. SCP-1916 only works if administered orally. We know this. There is no reason to test further, Dr. Bright. “Why not?” is not considered authorization
for SCP cross-testing. The foundation has no Mobile Task Force dedicated
to the capture and containment of forum trolls. Dr. Bright is not allowed to found a new Mobile
Task Force dedicated to the capture and containment of forum trolls. The Serpent’s Hand is not a synonym for masturbation. “Yo mama” is not “so ugly SCP-096 didn’t look
at her.” SCP-173 is not a babysitter. Having SCP-173 play ‘Where’s the baby?’ is
downright cruel. Not, as Dr. Bright claims, ‘[EXPLETIVE] hilarious.’ Dr. Bright is no longer invited to the Annual
Foundation Holiday Party. Dr. Bright is not allowed to host his own
Foundation Holiday Party. The Foundation Holiday Party is cancelled
indefinitely. SCP-682 does not have a Wondertainment logo
stamped on its upper palate. or on its posterior. Playing the song “Thriller” in the presence
of SCP-008 victims is expressly forbidden. Letting out SCP-008 victims and punching them
“to simulate Minecraft” is also forbidden. Pushing several agents in front of SCP-008
victims “to simulate Resident Evil” is not a valid excuse, either. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed near victims
of SCP-008. SCP-682 will not be sated by the ritual sacrifice
of a virgin. Filming, directing, or performing in celebrity
sex tapes are not appropriate work assignments for Mr. Deeds. Anything involving the words “elephant sauce”. Site 19 is still recovering from the last
incident. “I like a little junk in the trunk” is not
valid authorization to feed SCP-1575-1 to an elephant. Dr. Bright is, under no circumstances, to
attempt possession of SCP-682. “I touched SCP-1453 a lil’ while ago” is not
a valid excuse for any containment breach. “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service” does not
imply that pants and undergarments are not required parts of the dress code. Doubly so, since, “No Shirt, No Shoes, No
Service,” is not a part of any official foundation dress code. Dr. Bright is not to use this list as a resume. Dr. Bright shalt not may not begin his sentences
with “Thou shalt not”, even especially in the presence of SCP-343. Use of double triple quadruple ANY number
of negatives to obtain security clearances will result in the repetition of kindergarten
swift punishment. Dr. Bright is not allowed to recreate any
experiment seen on the television program “Mythbusters” using any SCP. Especially not if he “can do it better.” Regardless of whether or not it exists, Dr.
Bright certainly does not enjoy diplomatic immunity as the local Consul of the Islamic
Republic of Eastern Samothrace. Dr. Bright is not allowed to put SCP-278 into
SCP-914 on coarse “so I can learn to make more of them.” Dr. Bright is not allowed to transfer copy
upgrade relocate SCP-079 onto ANY form of high capacity data storage device. SCP-1156 is not Dr. Bright’s “royal steed”. Dr Bright is not allowed to use SCP-1543-J
to launch SCP-727-J into itself. Again. Even if Dr. Bright is wearing an eyepatch,
he is not allowed to “Keel-Haul” anyone. Not even on “Talk Like a Pirate Day”. Talk Like a Pirate Day is not allowed to be
celebrated at Site ██. Any personnel violating this rule will walk the plank be severely
disciplined. There is no such thing as “Talk Like a Ninja”
day, and Dr. Bright is not allowed to create it. Introducing SCP-682 to SCP-002 “just to see
what will happen” is NOT recommended. Don’t even think about. I SAID STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to interview
new personnel. Even Especially not if they ask for him. Dr. Bright is not Kenny. We also ask new researchers (and Bright) to
stop referring to him/self as such. Dr. Bright is not allowed to play “SCP Roulette”
with SCP-173, a light switch and any combination of D-class and new personnel. Dr. Bright is not to ask SCP-738, “What would
you want in exchange for not making this deal with me?” Dr. Bright works for the SCP Foundation, not
the Terminus Foundation. He does not possess a degree in psychohistory. And no Group of Interest is the “Second Foundation”
The fact that SCP-682 regenerates all lost tissue does not make it an “infinite hamburgers
machine”. Most especially because they tasted horrible. Dr Bright is not allowed to use SCP-127 to
place projectiles under his pillow for the “Tooth Fairy” to give him money. Dr Bright is not allowed to use SCP-252-ARC
on Fred Phelps any member of the Phelps family any person or organization affiliated with
Westboro Baptist Church. Dr Bright is not allowed to attempt to “sic
the Horizon Initiative” on the above religious organization. Dr Bright may not request a pool of D-Class
recruited solely from members of the above religious organization. The Manna Charitable Foundation does not host
an annual Labor Day Telethon, and Dr. Bright is not allowed to offer the services of Foundation
employees as performers or phone bank operators for such. Dr Bright is not allowed access to Popular
Science Magazine. That How 2.0 section is way too dangerous
for Bright to see now that they’ve shown how to create cyborg cockroaches. Dr. Bright is not allowed to “go on crusade”. Or on “jihad”. Dr. Bright is not permitted to issue fatwas
against anyone or anything. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to declare
“After ten thousand years I’m free! It’s time to conquer Earth!” upon assuming
a new host. All Foundation personnel are now required
to attend a seminar on the difference between an original idea and a good idea before being
allowed new or continuing contact with Dr. Bright, Dr. Clef, or Dr. Kondraki. Dr. Bright does not have ten tons of gold
hidden somewhere at Site 19. SCP-963 is not to be given away as a “good
luck charm”. Dr. Bright is not a wizard, no matter what
he might tell you. He is not an alchemist either, and is not
to be consulted regarding alchemical issues. Or a witch. Dr. Bright is not magic and cannot perform
magic, and must give sufficient explanation for any actions he undertakes. Dr. Bright is not, nor has he ever been, the
“Undisputed SCP Intercontinental Champion”. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to run through
Site 19 any site while screaming “THE KETER IS LOOSE” unless it’s an actual emergency. Claiming it’s for research on the effects
of social engineering is not an emergency. Nor is using it to clear out the areas Dr.
Bright is otherwise restricted from entering due to reasons given on this list. Dr. Bright may not start referring to any
persons or SCPs as “The Keter” in order to circumvent these rules, unless they are actually
classified as Keter. Dr. Bright is not allowed to perform any tests
or experiments utilizing the reproductive organs of any dead or living being, including
himself. Dr Bright may not tell D-Class Personnel newly
recruited staff anyone that SCP-920 will ”show them to their quarters”. Again. We are still looking for 12 D-class Personnel
who have disappeared in the Pyrenees. Dr. Bright may never attempt to ingest SCP-184
“to win a pie eating contest”, nor any other kind of eating or drinking contest. After what happened last month, Dr. Bright
is not allowed to watch Firefly ever again. I think most of the people involved (that
are still alive) are still in the psychiatric ward. Dr. Bright is not a Brown Coat, and we CAN
stop the signal. Dr Bright IS a leaf on the wind, watch him
so- Still too soon? Okay. Dr. Bright is not allowed to come within 5
meters of any explosive device or detonation device. Remember what happened at Area-█. Not even if Dr. Iceberg asks nicely
Trying to “Blow Up 682” is not a valid excuse. Attempting to make “shadow puppets” with SCP-017
is forbidden. Trying to entertain SCP-053 is not a valid
excuse. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to stand in
a corner and twiddle his thumbs. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to use the
words “swag” , “swag it”, “swagginator”, “swaggify”, or “super swag” to define himself or any other
person(s). ‘YOLO’ is not an excuse for anything. Most especially because it does not apply
to him. Neither is ‘Why not?’. Dr. Bright is not allowed to order D-class
personnel convince new personnel any personnel ask anybody ever to play a game of patty-cake
with SCP-049. Dr. Bright is not allowed to ask Mr. Deeds
to do any of the things on this list. Dr. Bright is not allowed to bring chocolate
into a restroom Dr. Bright is not allowed to bring food into a restroom. Dr. Bright is not allowed to speak in a voice
resembling a movie character. Dr. Bright is not allowed to reenact any movie. Even G-rated ones? Even G-rated ones. Dr. Bright is not allowed to learn cheerleader
routines dress like a cheerleader do ANYTHING relating to the sport of cheerleading. SCP-957 is NOT a prerequisite to becoming
possessed by Dr. Bright Dr. Bright is not allowed access to SCP-1197
for the purpose of corroborating with himself. Dr. Bright is not allowed access to SCP-1197
for the purpose of propositioning himself. As of 9/26/20██, Dr. Bright is not allowed
access to any hotel for any reason. Site-██ budget does not allow for extra
clean-up fees, especially not as a result of Dr. Bright’s actions. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to say “Everything
the Bright touches is our kingdom” Dr. Bright may not attempt to digitally enhance
any of the original Star Wars movies. Dr. Bright is not allowed to advertise himself
on online dating services. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use this list
as a to-do list. Dr. Bright is not L. Ron Hubbard incarnate,
and is not allowed to tell personnel otherwise. Dr. Bright is not Sherlock Holmes and is not
allowed to say what he thinks a person’s appearance means about them to any reality bending SCP. Dr. Bright is not allowed to cause a containment
breach of any kind just so he can have a “case.” Neither is he allowed to convince anyone to
be Watson. Dr. Bright may not urge bereaved staff members
to “look at the Bright side”. Nor is he allowed to refer to any name-related
puns as “[his] Bright ideas”. Dr. Bright is not allowed to refer to any
SCPs, Foundation resources, or personnel as his “fancy dancing pants”. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-1994-J
with Dr. Kain. Hours of actual productive research are as
of yet to be recovered. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to play chicken
with members of any department. Dr. Bright is not allowed to order ‘the works’
from the cafeteria. Dr. Bright is also not allowed to put anything
on his ‘tab.’ Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to commit
“Seppuku.” Even if he has an audience. Especially a captive one. Dr. Bright is not in possession of any of
the following: A bright-mobile, brighterangs, a bright-claw, a bright-suit, or a baseball-bright. Dr. Bright is not allowed to yell “To the
brightcave!”. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to sing “Silent
Night” following the “All is Bright” incident Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to commission,
produce, advertise, or display animated videos to containment staff anyone with the subject,
“What Happens When You Fuck Up Containing SCP (insert SCP here)”
NO, it is NOT educational, Bright. Not the way you show it. Dr. Bright is not allowed funding to replicate
the experiments of Doctor Krieger from Archer. Dr. Bright is not allowed to try to convince
personnel to replicate “his famous high dive into SCP-120.” He is not allowed to talk about his “famous
high dive into SCP-120.” Dr. Bright is not to be referred to as “Rainbow
Bright”. Dr. Bright is not allowed access to infants
for the purpose of becoming “the Baby New Year”. Dr. Bright is not allowed to create a “The
Things Dr Bright Is Allowed To Do At The Foundation” list by listing everything that isn’t on this
list. Just because it isn’t on this list doesn’t
mean you should do it. He may however request for one to be created. He may not, however, suggest what should be
on said list. Dr. Bright is not to attempt to neutralize
SCP-1013 just because he “can do Fluttershy’s stare.” Dr. Bright must not create an infinite logical
loop to less feeble minded individuals. Dr. Bright is not “Troll Jegus”, no matter
how much candy corn he steals! There is no such department known as “The
Bright Ideas Department.” Furthermore, if such a department did exist,
Dr. Bright would not be in the employ of this department. Dr. Bright is not allowed to throw himself
through a window “to prove that the glass is unbreakable.” for any reason whatsoever. Dr. Bright is not allowed to convince D-Class
anybody to cough in front of SCP-049 Dr. Bright is not allowed to use any green
dyes for the purpose of “being creative”. “Because reasons” will no longer be accepted
as a viable excuse for removing ANY SCP from containment. Dr. Bright may not refer to anyone as a “peasant.” Dr. Bright is not allowed to attempt to convince
D-Class new personnel ANYONE that shouting “Bing bong, bring it on!” while ringing SCP-513
will negate its effect. Dr. Bright is not allowed to arrange gladiatorial
arena combat between D-class, even ESPECIALLY if any SCPs are used as weapons. SCP-173 does not “just want a hug” and Dr.
Bright may not attempt to convince anyone otherwise. “Because there’s an alternate universe me
who wouldn’t do it” is no longer a valid reason for violating containment procedures. Dr. Bright is not allowed to attack instances
of SCP-217 claiming that “the Borg have attacked”. Dr. Bright is not allowed access to visual
or audio recordings of the dance craze dubbed the “Harlem Shake” anything deemed “viral”. Dr. Bright is not allowed to start any drag
races between D-classes in cars and SCP-096. Dr. Bright is not allowed to yell out “Immigration!”
near any foreign personnel. Dr. Bright is not allowed to reenact any scene
from “Pulp Fiction”. Doctor Bright is not allowed to convince new
personnel ANYONE to “have a friendly staring contest with SCP-096.” Dr. Bright is not allowed to open SCP-1025
on random pages in front of anyone. Dr. Bright is not allowed to dare anyone to
finish SCP-1997. Dr. Bright is not allowed to send a Slinky
down SCP-087. Dr. Bright is not an instance of SCP-1000,
and is not allowed to claim otherwise. Especially not when using the body of a primate. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-884 for
shaving purposes. Nor any other personal care purpose. Nor for any non-approved purpose whatsoever. Especially not for the purpose of making people
doubt that he’s not allowed to use it. Dr. Bright is not allowed to claim that Researcher
Zyn Kiryu is the new “Master of Butterflies” due to her extensive work on butterfly-related
SCP items. “King of the Booterflies” is not an inheritable
title. No, not even if Kondraki really is dead, which,
if true, Dr. Bright isn’t cleared to know. Researcher Zyn Kiryu is also not to be referred
to by Dr. Bright as “Queen of the Butterflies”, “Mistress of the Butterflies”, “Supreme Princess
of the Butterflies”, “Great Shepherd of the Butterflies”, “Second Cousin of the Butterflies”,
or “Major Associate of the Butterflies,” or any other grandiose title referring to butterflies. Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell new Foundation
recruits fictional horror stories involving his family. Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell new Foundation
recruits factual horror stories involving his family. He is definitely not allowed to edit the list
just to mess with people on Tumblr. We do not talk about Bottle Dick. Especially not over the site intercom/loud
speaker/mega phone/group chat/email, or any other device intended to speak to large numbers
of people at the same time. We really mean it about editing the List to
mess with people on Tumblr. Dr. Bright is not allowed to transfer his
consciousness into a YouTuber in order to make serious videos about himself or his family. ESPECIALLY if it’s all true. Okay, who thought it was a good idea to let
him have a tiktok account to read off all of these? @capnduckman on TikTok.

Add a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *